This Sunday, the Seattle Seahawks and the New England Patriots square off against each other in Super Bowl XLIX, which is a fancy way of saying 49. Here’s everything you need to know BEFORE you watch:


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  • Players may only spend time with game balls in the presence of a court-appointed chaperone.
  • Instead of loss of yardage, whenever the Patriots have a penalty, Tom Brady has to remove one piece of clothing.
  • If you miss a field goal, you have to watch the Katy Perry / Lenny Kravitz Halftime show.
  • If someone watching the Super Bowl at home yells out what play you SHOULD have done, you have to try it the next time.
  • After a touchdown, teams will be given a five second window to shout “Keepsies,” allowing their team to keep the ball, rather than kick-off to the other team.
  • Patriots are only allowed to cheat a little bit.
  • After getting sacked, the quarterback must stand up and do a little baby dance while shouting, “owwee woweee, dat hoowurt my baby booty.“
  • Seahawks fans no longer allowed to assemble into giant, murderous “12th man.”
  • Someone scribbled “Pats touchdowns are worth 8 points now! Swear to God!” into the rule book so I guess that makes it true? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
  • If a team captain kicks the coin as it’s being flipped directly into the skull of the head ref, killing him instantly, the game is a tie and everyone goes home.
  • Have fun out there.
  • All game footballs must be named (e.g. “Terry,” “Tabitha,” etc.) and referred to as such by referees when that particular ball is in play.
  • The team who is nicest wins, regardless of the score.


Keys To The Game:
• For those playing along at home, you're gonna want to have your TV switched to "on" with the screen facing towards you and volume at an audible level.
• The team able to take out the opposing head coach with a strategically-placed sniper is going to hold a distinct advantage.
• Dressing up like sexy girl football players is a surefire way to distract the opposing team.
• Players, coaches, and refs should memorize the rules before the game so they don't have to look them up on their phones during play.
Must-Have Super Bowl Party Dishes
• Bill Bellichick-en Fried Cheat-os
• Marshawn Lynch's Tuna Skittle Casserole
• Partially-Deflated Pastry Puffs
• Cheez-Its - Trevor said he won't even show up unless there's Cheez-Its
• Testicle clamps (S&M Super Bowl parties only)






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If you ask a random person on the street, “What was the most scandalous moment in Super Bowl Halftime History?”, 99.9% of the time, they’ll tell you when we saw Janet Jackson’s tit. But how about these other, less remembered but equally scandalous moments?

  • When Gloria Estefan was overheard on a hot mic saying “Chinese people are bullshit.”
  • The time an impostor masquerading as Slash was able to run on stage and shred for a full 3 minutes before being shot down by police.
  • When Beyonce reunited Destiny’s Child except for LaTavia, LeToya and Farrah, who weren’t invited.
  • When Apple forced a U2 concert into our TVs without asking us if we wanted it first.
  • The PS22 Children’s Choir’s “Salute to ISIS.”
  • That time Angelina Jolie basically fucked her brother and made us all watch. (May have been the Oscars.)
  • When, after a killer performance in the Super Bowl XXVII Halftime show, Michael Jackson played the second half as cornerback for the Buffalo Bills.
  • During Super Bowl XXV when New Kids on the Block put on such an inspiring performance that all the players shook hands and ended the game early.
  • When Kid Rock came out and cut one into the microphone then just stood there like like he was waiting for applause.
  • The time Boyz II Men came out and all had cuss words shaved into their heads.

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Ready for a fascinating Superbowl factoid? Janet Jackson’s nipple - the one unleashed by Justin Timberlake at the Superbowl Halftime Show in 2004 - has actually appeared in every halftime show since. Check out the photographic evidence below.

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February 1, 2004

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February 6, 2005

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February 4th, 2007

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February 3, 2008

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February 5, 2012

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February 3, 2013



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  • Spread a bunch of banana peels on the field.
  • Dress Brady up as a girl like when Jonathan Brandis played soccer in Ladybugs. Not sure what it’ll do but they’re gonna try it.
  • Guns!
  • Go for extra point AND two point conversion.
  • Dig a big hole on the 40-yard line and cover it with sticks and leaves.
  • Videotape the game to study for when they cheat their way to the Super Bowl again next year.
  • Be seen enjoying corn chips other than Tostitos®, the Official Chip of the NFL.
  • Paint an owl to look like a football and train it to fly to receivers.
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Other things on TV at the same time as the Superbowl
• Barbara Bixby Jewelry Portfolio
• Bones
• Wheat Belly Total Health With William Davis, MD
• Hot In Cleveland
• Glee

Halftime Shows as Fun as Katy Perry and Lenny Kravitz
• Halftime Salute to Celery and Water
• 30 minutes of silent prayer
• Hugh Downs reads Tuesday With Morrie
• The NYPD Men's choir sings "Bad Boys" with their backs to the audience
• Bill Gates performs Whale Sounds

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While you watch the Super Bowl you may get a hankering to play some football of your own! Here’s a quick How To guide for making paper footballs that fly with a flick of the finger.

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1. Use an 8 ½ x 11” sheet of paper. Do not use the toilet paper near you.


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2. Fold paper in half lengthwise. Stay away from the toilet paper, I’m serious, it’s a red herring.


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3. Cut or tear sheet along vertical crease. Don’t do what I did, which is use three sheets of toilet paper to compare lengths to normal paper. You should just move the toilet paper to another location.


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4. Fold one of strips in half lengthwise. Shit, I just realized I’m using the toilet paper now - don’t do what I did.


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5. Fold the lower edge of the paper to form a triangle. If you are using the toilet paper now like me, GO BACK AND USE PAPER. This is not going to be good.


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6. Continue folding triangles up the paper until you’ve reached the top. This is pathetic. I messed up this How To so bad. I mess everything up.


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7. Undo last fold and fold into triangle. Toilet paper is so fucking fragile. I’m so sorry don’t do what I did. This is why Mary left.


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8. Trim 1 inch off right point of triangle. I need to remake all of this, because I’m using toilet paper. It blows. I blow. I’m useless.


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9. Tuck remaining paper into triangle created by first triangle. If you’re using toilet paper it’s so obvious how poorly this will work. I don’t know why I’m not stopping this and killing myself.


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10. Flatten paper football, and enjoy! I won’t, because this piece of shit won’t fly two inches. I hate toilet paper. I’m just going to pretend my cheeks are goal posts and spike it up my ass. Life sucks.


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  • What an awful play!! (But no one has to know you’re secretly talking about Phantom of the Opera.)
  • Point to any player on the field and say “I can’t believe the NFL is letting him play after what he did!”
  • “Paws up, Little Monsters!”*
  • “Holy Shit!” (This one is good for when you’re not sure if whatever happened was good or bad.)
  • “I really hate that guy’s pizza and/or insurance commercials.”
  • “What we need now are some POINTS, right guys?!”

* We’ve been informed that “Paws up, Little Monsters” is only for Lady Gaga concerts and we apologize if you’ve already used that one.

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