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Stats & Data

September 17, 2008


Originally, this was going to be my second blog entry, but after thinking about it, I decided to hold back because I didn't want the topic to go from 'abortion' to 'rape'. I feel that that might put the standard for future entries in a very weird place. Also, it's not that I'm paranoid, it's that I KNOW I'm being watched by the government. This is mostly my own fault. I do try to work the words 'bomb' and 'jihad' into as many phone conversations with friends and acquaintances as possible… especially those who are into something mildly illegal, but this is becoming a preamble, so I'll stop running with this joke.


Once a week, I along with several friends visit a couple of establishments (one is corporate and they don't get no plug 'til I see some paper, the other is Bay St. Blues, which gets a plug because Bonnie, the owner, is awesome) for trivia. I got into this a little over a year ago when I was told that there were places that would give me free beer for knowing stupid shit about stupid shit. Finally, I remember thinking, after 29 years being born intelligent finally paid off. And pay off it has, an unfortunate side effect has been a regular Wednesday morning hangover at work, but luckily I don't need to think or be talked to at my job until around 11:00 AM.


So last week, I'm at trivia, and  one of the categories was called Porno or No No. In this category four possible porn movie titles are read, three of which are real and one is fake. You have to find the fake one. Now, this is not an easy thing to do. Porn movie titles are usually pretty random and can be any sexual derivative from a normal movie you can imagine. Then, there are those that are just lazy descriptions of what you'd be watching if you purchased said porno. Also, even if you have that one person in your group who's got a porn collection to rival Solomon's diamonds, the likelihood that he owns or has seen enough of the titles in each question to give you better than a coin flip's chance isn't great. Occasionally, one or two choices can be eliminated based on intuition, but the normal result is that groups end up in a ridiculous debate about which is a more likely porn movie Indiana Bones…. or James Boned….

Question #3.

a)      Hairy Pooper and the…. something

b)      Something Else

c)       Fifty First Rapes

d)      American Booty


What follows is a general agreement in my group that there's just no way  C can be real. We mark C and move on to the next question and more idiotic debates guised as logical discussions. We turn our answers in 'knowing that we didn't do well', but also knowing that in the past a couple of people in the group have been able to 'guess' well enough, so that we don't lose any ground. Plus, #3 seems like a no-brainer.


Fifty First Rapes is a real porno title. Even more shocking was when the MC told us that one team had won the round with a perfect score… obviously meaning that they either knew Fifty First Rapes was real or suspected strongly that it was. I understand that some people have rape fetishes, and in most cases that's pretty fucked up but if a couple are both into it, who am I to judge them? However, the likelihood that such a small minority of the population would be able to find a consenting mate who shared their fetish seems a lot less likely than a single individual… we'll say he's a guy for the sake of argument… who has this movie amongst his private porno stash. A light discussion follows at the table if owning Fifty First Rapes would be worth the risk of getting caught. This isn't like a stack of Hustler hidden in the basement or under the bed. This is almost guaranteed to scare the bejeezus out of whomever finds it and will likely end a relationship with that person, and if you're unlucky it will lead to her telling her friends why she broke up with you. Unless you live in a thriving metropolis in which everyone doesn't know everyone, this is an even bigger problem for you than the breakup.


However, as I was thinking about this I had another thought. At every table in the room during that category, the same type of discussion was going on. That means that someone on the team with the perfect score was pleading his case:

                "So we'll put C on this one and--"

                "Dude… I… don't think it's Fifty First Rapes."

                "Of course it is. There's no way it's real."

                "It is, trust me."

                "Oh, so now you know it's not real?"

                "No, but some people are into some fucked up shit."


                "Fifty First Rapes…. Fiftyfirstrapes. The answer is C."

                "Yeah, I think C is the right choice, Paul." (In my head he just seems like a Paul)

                "It's not C. Fifty First Rapes is a real movie, dammit."      

                "How the Hell do you know?"

                "I do just trust me, okay."

                "No. Everyone else knows it's fake why the Hell should we go with you just because you…. Oh… nevermind…." (awkward looks around the table follow as everyone slowly realizes individually what has just been confessed to) "Sooooo, what do we like for Question number 4?"


For winning the round, this team won a free bucket of beer, but one team member will forever after be the target of whispers and suspicious looks amongst his friends. And I think that's hilarious.


"Hey, you guys wanna go out and get a beer, tonight?"

"Why, so you meet some girl and rape her?"

"Yeah, Paul. Don't think for one fucking second that I'm going to lie to the cops for you, either; you sick pervert. If I get asked about a missing crack whore, I'm sending them to your apartment."




"Do you have any cute friends who are single?"

"NO! No, Paul… I do not."