This past week, cyber security consultant Chris Roberts admitted to taking control of a plane’s engine mid-flight by hacking into the built-in computer network while on board. This information reveals just how easy it is for someone to take over computer systems remotely, which could also explain how all the vore porn that is on my laptop that my girlfriend found got there. Let me explain.
Weeks before the infamous flight to Syracuse on which Roberts took over the plane’s entertainment system and used that access to gain control of an entire plane’s thrusters, my girlfriend Sarah caught me — allegedly — watching and downloading vore pornography.
For those of you who do not know what vore is, it is defined as a “sexual fetish in which one fantasizes about being eaten alive or eating another creature alive.” If this floats your boat that’s fine. Some people really get off on it. Different strokes for different folks. But not me. Nope. I think it is weird and I am not into it at all.
And now that the information on Roberts’ actions have come to light, I am left with a lot of questions, questions about all the vore porn on my laptop that my girlfriend is still pissed about. You see, Roberts knew the vulnerabilities of the Boeing jet’s network, which, admittedly, is an advanced system that someone would need to study extensively in order to compromise. Doesn’t it then stand to reason that a much simpler device, say a 2012 Macbook Pro, could even more easily be manipulated and taken over in full by even a mid-level hacker?
Now, I’m not here to accuse anybody, but if Roberts could hack into a plane’s network then it isn’t out of the realm of possibility that Jeremy, Sarah’s old boyfriend — and a computer science major! — could have easily accessed my network and forced it onto www.voreplayers.com, even creating a username and password and profile photo he stole from my Facebook.
I understand that this may sound ludicrous, but if Roberts could take over an entire jet, I think it’s safe to say that Jeremy took over my computer and put the weird porn onto my screen just as Sarah walked in.
Why Jeremy would do this is beyond me. It’s probably because he is a jealous creep, and he is actually the one who’s into vore and not me. How else would he know which website to use? The point is, some hacker, probably Jeremy, put that vore onto my screen. I should’t be blamed. Are you reading this Sarah? I’m sorry, OK? It wasn’t my fault! It was Jeremy! In a way, this is your fault for dating some weirdo computer scientist type.
Stories like this just go to show how fragile our technological lives are. The fact that with a couple of strokes on a keyboard a person can take over and fly a jet at will is a chilling concept. And the fact that someone can take over a computer and, just as your girlfriend walks in, switch it to some weird website with a video of a man being swallowed whole by a homemade, animatronic whale is just plain terrifying.
Why were my pants down and why was my erect member in my hand? No, that wasn’t the result of some hacker. I happened to be masturbating to normal porn at the time, and then my computer got hijacked and switched to that weird stuff. I don’t see what’s so hard to believe about all this. I’m the victim here, just like we’re all the victims of our fragile dependence on technology.
Even though there is nothing wrong with achieving a sexual thrill due to the submissive nature of being swallowed, it is weird, and I would never do that, and the only other answer is that Jeremy took over my computer and someone needs to do something about that.
Whether that be the government or private industry I am not here to say. All I am saying is that if people like banned researcher Chris Roberts, or creepy jealous Jeremy, can do it, the same thing can be done by ISIS. And that’s way scarier than sliding all wet and warm down a gigantic woman’s throat, even though that’s weird and — sure, who can’t see the possible erotic thrill of that — but swear I’m really not into that.
Sarah, please return my texts.