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October 06, 2008
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I’ve only recently started watching baseball, and I’ve got to ask, what, for the love of all that is holy is with the spitting?
I’m watching a game, they zoom in on a guy and, without warning, suddenly it’s saliva city.
It took me a while to come to terms with football players licking their hands before getting the ball. (They must have one wicked cold-and-flu season.)
Now, I’m trying to understand the baseball spitters.
OK, some of them are eating sunflower seeds. But what is up with the others? Is it written into their zillion-dollar contracts that they must spit?
“Welcome to the team Tom. Here’s a boatload of cash, but we’re going to need something from you in return.”
“I’ll work my butt off for this team, sir.”
“Great. But that’s not what I’m talking about. See this stadium runs on saliva. Doesn’t work without it. The generators are just for show. There would be public outcry if they knew the truth. Do you dehydrate easily, Tom?”
And it’s not just baseball players. I see regular guys do it all the time.
They’re not chewing tobacco. They haven’t just eaten something nasty.
They’re just spitting to spit.
What’s the allure here? Am I missing out on something? Have I not lived until I’ve hocked a good one?
“Don’t let the spit in your mouth hold you back. Let if fly.”
What if professional people started doing it, too?
“So Bob, do you think we can go through with the merger?”
“Yes, I believe it’s a done deal. Oh excuse me a moment.” Hock-phooey. “Yes, as I was saying ... why is everyone looking at me?”
“Well, for one thing, you just spit on Ted.”
It just seems like once you’ve decided it’s OK to spit in front of others it’s only a matter of time before you take the next step ... public urination.
“Bob ... Bob! What are you doing? Zip up Bob. We have clients here. My wife bought me that plant. Oh the horror, the horror.”

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