Honest Blockbuster Trailer
If the voiceover for a blockbuster movie trailer was honest, this is what it would say:
In a world… where the sole purpose of blockbusters areto make money, comes the fifth installment of a franchise that critics havedeemed as intolerable from the start, but you dumbasses keep paying to seeanyways.
It’s a film the whole family can enjoy, if your familyloves freakishly loud noises, and giving us rich guys your hard-earned money,all while exposing your kids to a staggering amount of violence.
We are calling it The Summer Blockbuster Event of theYear in an attempt to trick you chumps into thinking that this movie willactually be good.
This entire trailer consists exclusively of explosionsand various things in combat, because we know you suckers will see literallyany movie that contains an absurd amount of special effects and actionsequences.
Actually the whole movie consists of nothing but thosetwo features. You heard that right! 100 percent action zero percent story! ZEROPERCENT STORY. We ran out of that like three movies ago.
Starring only extraordinarily muscular guys andunrealistically sexy girls who are a lot younger, attractive, and successfulthan you will ever be.
How is that large soda and popcorn with extra butterby the way?
Brought to you by the guys who made those movies youthought were horrible, but have a million times the amount of money you do, andare currently balls deep in your wife.
This 3 hour atrocity will be in 3D to distract youfrom the banal dialogue, plus the more dimensions we have the more dough we getto charge you per ticket.
Notice the Kanye song that just started playing? Thatis to create the illusion that this sorry excuse of a movie is cool, and edgy.
Rolling Stone Magazine said, it is just a swindledisguised as a film, its sole purpose is to rack up the Benjamin’s, and everyother movie showing this weekend is outstandingly superior.
And guess what? They’re right! You’re still going tosee it though. We know you can’t resist those explosions!
YOU IDIOTS MAKE IT SO EASY FOR US. MAKING MILLIONS OFDOLLARS IS SERIOUSLY EFFORTLESS.
Did you notice that we just spoiled the ending of themovie in the trailer? It doesn’t matter. We all knew how it was going to endanyways: WITH US MAKING MAJOR BANK.
Coming soon to a theatre near you is whateverthefuckthis shitty movie is called.