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July 02, 2013

There's a reason I've stayed around London for nearly 20 years. But none of these are it.

  • If your visit's timed just right, you could watch a Polish guy punch out a British skin head during a race riot caused by a stick of salami.
  • If you have too much marijuana, you can always find someone to share it with.
  • Primrose Hill is a great place to spot celebrities.  And also to get bugged by a homeless guy.
  • Going to a taping of "The Graham Norton Show" is a great chance to meet other people with special needs.
  • That homeless guy washing your windscreen at the Brent Cross traffic lights who looks like Naveen Andrews from "Lost" IS Naveen Andrews from "Lost".
  • You can leave the football match early fully confident you won't miss a Tottenham Hotspur goal.
  • You only have to learn to speak Punjab, Hindi, Urdu and Arabic and you'll fit right in.
  • You can visit any Starbucks and see tomorrow's cancelled BBC show screenplays being written today.
  • You can spend 20 hours a week in your car and only put 10 miles on the clock.
  • The River Thames consistently tops the Time Out guide's annual list of best places to spot Albanians swimming in leather jackets.
  • If you're ever running low on motor oil, you can just find a friendly Iranian, and wring out his hair.
  • If you ask really nicely around Tower Brifdge, you can get your photo taken with a terrible father dressed in a Spider-Man costume.
  • You haven't truly eaten curry, til you've eaten a fly-covered curry purchased from a sweaty dude named "Purdeep" under the canopy at Camden market.
  • You can drive to work, or walk to work, and it takes the exact same amount of time.
  • Where else could you find a mayor who looks like Meg Ryan in "Top Gun"?