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September 26, 2014
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Columnist Tuck Sherwood takes on the ESPN Bill Simmons suspension controversy.


Tucker Sherwood

No one is nice for free, if someone is sucking your dick there is a 100% chance they are looking to get something out of it. Funny or Die columnist Tuck Sherwood surveys the nation and determines what self-serving hucksters are out there sucking down dicks for their own personal gain.


Strap on those knee pads, hike those balls up to your face and start taking yard after yard of cock down your gullet sports fans because its TIME FOR SOME FOOTBALL!! And oh boy is there some hardcore dick sucking going on this week. As I am sure you have heard, the NFL (National FELLATIO League?) has been in hot water for being slow to properly react to the Ray Rice domestic violence scandal. In question right now is if NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell saw video of the abuse months before it was made public. He says he didn’t, a police officer and common reason says he did.

Ok, makes sense, So Tuck Where’s The Dick Suck?™ Well, angle those eyeballs down to Goodell’s privates and you’ll see the cum hungry mouths of ESPN. Like baby birds clamoring for crop milk from their mommy’s maw, so too do the big throated stooges of ESPN demand their cock milk from daddy Goodell. You see, just this week the sports network suspended their prominent sports-discusser Bill Simmons for three weeks just for speaking his mind. It seems Mr. Simmons withdrew Goodell’s Goodick from his throat just long enough to call the NFL commissioner a liar while gasping for air on his own podcast and then all hell broke loose at E.S-SEMEN. Apparently freedom of the press is jizz-soluble, disintegrating away when drenched in the spunk of a $15.2 billion gargle job ESPN just aquired called Monday Night Football.

It is quite a shame too because in the weeks leading up to this ESPN had been covering the scandal right along with the rest of the news industry. But just when you think ESPN might be taking their mouth off that NFL schlong… BOOM no way! Turns out those penis-pucker-uppers were just edging, letting Goodell and his minions feel the anguish of deferred pleasure only to once more plunge their snake-with-a-pig’s-skin-like cock back down into ESPN’s hole-like esophagus. I hear the orgasms are much more intense that way.

And if you think this is a one time incident, a one-night-kneel, think again. There is no real sports news in this country. To get sports news, journalists require access. And the titans of sports will refuse access to all those whose mouths are not lubricated, agape and ready to take all the viscous testicular syrup the NFL, NBA and MLB have to offer . If your tongue hasn’t been been tamped and spiked with rails fitted specifically to allow the train-cock of America’s major sports organizations to choo-choo it’s way in and out of your throat tunnel, spewing its pure white passengers deep down into your stomach-station, then it certainly won’t be “ALL ABOARD” for whatever information you need to get your news story filed on time. And don’t even think about putting a penny down on those tracks for yourself, the only money in this industry goes to the Amtrak-esque owners of the teams. If you’ve ever wondered why stadium worker labor disputes don’t get covered or why former player health issues never make the front page, you know why. The only heads these corrupt conductors want damaged is their own - from being smashed into a uvula too many times!

My most avid readers will note that my column is usually used not just to expose those who are sucking dicks for their own gain, but also to warn those who are may not know they are getting their dick sucked that they need to take a long hard look at what is going on in their own pubic region. But the NFL needs no warning. They know full well who is sucking their dicks and why and the fact is they aren’t the only ones getting their knobs gobbed in this equation. No, it is also the sports fan that is having one pulled over-and-off on them. Indeed the very act of watching sports is nothing more than a suck job for the ages. Every game you watch, every jersey you purchase, every fan flag you wave is nothing more that a sloppy inner-cheek-rubber from an industry profiting off your ignorance. Roger Goodell is but one of a legion of jocks quietly sucking all our dicks every day so they can acquire the power and money the need to brush off the fundamental tenets of society we hold dear. Journalistic integrity? Sucked away. Accountability for permitting domestic abuse? Let me squeeze your balls if you forget about that. Desire for men not to suffer brain damage? Here, let me whirl my tongue around inside your foreskin for you until you don’t know what the word concussion even means. Sports is a $422 billion mouth fuck industry. And if we don’t wake up and flip our cocks back in our flies soon we’re all going to be facing a suspension… from morality.

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