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November 14, 2014
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Here's why certain states have yet to come around to gay marriage.

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Gay marriage advocates won another two victories on Wednesday as the U.S. Supreme Court allowed Kansas to become the 33rd U.S. state where same-sex couples can wed and a federal judge struck down South Carolina’s ban. Here’s why the remaining 17 states are still holding out:

  • Louisiana: Unmarried gay men are the secret ingredient to the perfect gumbo.
  • Montana: Doesn’t want to turn into some godless, liberal, Obama-loving state like Wyoming.
  • Texas: Worried same-sex marriage would undermine traditional definition of marriage as between a man and a gun.
  • South Dakota: Can’t do anything without approval of big brother North Dakota.
  • Nebraska: The last thing they need is another reason for people to think “Cornhusker” is some kind of gay thing.
  • North Dakota: Residents are convinced they already did it and are smugly shaking their heads at the rest of the states who haven’t.
  • Missouri: Mark Twain never created a character called “Faggot Jim” to help citizens empathize with homosexuals.
  • Michigan: Legalized gay marriage would cause massive camouflage industry to realize how tacky it is.
  • Arkansas: Honestly, just full of homophobes.
  • Tennessee: They don’t like gay stuff, only straight stuff like the fabulous Grand Ole Oprey, Graceland, and Dollywood.
  • Georgia: Gotta run it by Madea first.
  • Mississippi: YOU try saying “Mississippi” with a lisp.
  • Alabama: Contradicts the state’s storied history of being on the wrong side of history.
  • South Carolina: Deadlocked between proponents of “midland-style” gay marriage, which uses a mustard-based sauce on the shoulder, and those who favor “coastal-style” gay marriage, which uses as a spicy vinegar-and-pepper sauce on the whole body.
  • Ohio: State officials say having Drew Carey as one of their most famous citizens is “as close to gay as we’re willing to go.”
  • Florida: C’mon.
  • Kentucky: Just too much to handle for a state whose abbreviation is already KY.
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