HOW TO END A RELATIONSHIP WITH MINIMAL WEAPONRY AND BLOODSHED
Relationships can be a tricky thing. There are so many elements to consider when you involve yourself with someone. You have to consider your feelings, your partner’s feelings, time, space, interests and a host of other things. But what we don’t consider is the bigger picture. “All good things must eventually come to an end like a catastrophic time bomb.”
Generally we meet someone who attracts us in one sense or another, usually sexually (but not solely) when we step up to the starting line of a relationship. After about the second or third date [or roll in the sack for some of you freaks] we find ourselves in a bind that we are not quite ready to deal with. So I thought I’d give you a few quick tips on how to give your partner the old heave-ho with only minimal weaponry and bloodshed. Pay close attention and have your peanut butter cups ready for payment. I’m sure you’ll thank me in the end.
It’s no secret that breaking up with someone is one of the toughest emotional struggles you’ll ever go through. As painful as a relationship can be as it’s ending, the experience can be a source of profound learning and personal growth. It can also be a perfect opportunity to realize you’d rather scrub your body with a rusty brillo pad than to be tied down with someone you’ve convinced yourself you love. Just when you are getting comfortable, life will throw something at you which challenges that comfort. Instead of looking at these challenges with frustration, treat them as if they are chipped stones aimed at your head to help you see that it’s time for change in the life direction you were meant to lead.
The Initial Problem: Biting into a Poisonous Apple
Sometimes when you have strong connections with people, you instantly relate it to a romantic relationship, and end up jumping into one with them. You can love someone without being in a romantic relationship. It’s called “F*ck Buddies”: friends with benefits! It’s okay to have one, two or nine different people that you screw regularly, have a cigarette afterwards and kick out when the romp is over. In fact it’s natural and healthy (unless you don’t wrap it up. If not, then your troubles will lead you to endless hospital visits or numerous court rooms for determination of child support payments. So be smart – unprotected sex is dangerous!). Most people are socially conditioned to believe that love for someone equals romance. Truth is, the love you feel for another comes from a beautiful place within yourself, that infinite feeling of love is an expression of your true nature. It has nothing to do with other people. Instead of jumping into romance, cultivate a harmonious friendship with that person; a friendship that flourishes after hours when you’re loaded on booze and porn.
Gearing up for the Breakup: Loading the BB-Gun
Socially, people tend to correlate the ending of a relationship with failure. They even articulate it as such and say, “I’ve failed in this relationship”. By framing as such, you leave a negative impression in your mind and an association with relationships in general. The ending of a relationship is not a failure, but rather freedom; freedom of unwanted phone calls, unexpected visits, unwarranted opinions, and friends of your partner’s that you simply do not like.
You were meant to experience the relationship for its joyful moments and were meant to learn from its challenges. New life and death is all around you. Every inhale you take is a birth and each exhale is the death of that breath; and life continues. And there’s no denying the feeling of liberation after you’ve clubbed your soon-to-be ex-partner over the head with a 2×4!
It’s important to clearly understand your needs in a relationship and qualities in a mate. Be absolutely honest with yourself and don’t compromise the qualities that are essential to you. What typically happens when you find a quality, which deeply matters to you, is missing in your partner, you think that they can be changed. Truth is, you can’t make people change; you can only change yourself. Small things will magnify with time and bullets aren’t but so big, depending on the size of the gun. Be conscious of the small things that matter and be completely honest with yourself. You only have a set amount of time in this life, make it matter and don’t clutter it with people you’d rather see pushed over the side of a cliff.
Why Do We Torture Ourselves With People We Could Give Less Than Two Sh*ts About?
We stay in relationships that we know aren’t necessarily right for us because we are afraid. We are afraid of the police banging down our door or escorting us from our jobs with pretty, shiny bracelets no one can see because our hands are shackled behind our backs. We fear loneliness and we fear having to deal with uncomfortable situations, unless you’re me, then the only thing we fear is running out of tequila shots. We let our minds get caught up in an idea, a vision of how something should be, and we end up living in a fantasy instead of reality. The same applies to our idea of relationships. It is easy to let our desires get in the way of reality, and we end up living in a fantasy world within our current relationship… until one day, we wake up from that fantasy kicking and screaming and our pillows soaked with our own vomit.
Traditionally, when relationships end, we tend to cut everything off. That’s smart. It’s genius actually, because of the level of violence that flutters through our minds that comes with the overwhelming smothering of the person of whom we are so desperately trying to escape. It’s silly to conclude that after sharing months and years with someone, that if one component of the relationship changes, all else shouldn’t be cut off. In some instances we can continue other components of the relationship after time and stitches have healed all hearts. Friendship does not have to be lost, neither do the benefits that come with being f*ck buddies. Once you’ve decided that parting ways is the best solution, doing the actual break up can be pretty nerve racking, since people’s hearts are on the line. Take a Xanax, drink an Icehouse and wait for the inebriated effects to kick in. Breaking up will be as easy as spitting into a tin can!
Going in for the Kill
- Make sure you understand why you are doing it. Sometimes the surface reason isn’t the real reason. Dig deep within yourself to find the real reason. Being surrounded by the situation can cloud your judgment. Separate yourself from the situation and spend some alone time. Your partner may not understand, at first, why you need time to yourself, but don’t worry, soon it will make no difference what your partner thinks because they’ll be so consumed with the fact that you’ve just tossed them to the side like a pair of old outdated skinny jeans. Make the commitment to be honest with yourself. Remember that the truth will set you free and be committed to that.
- Before your meeting, get into a state of compassion. Clad yourself in camouflage and wipe mud under your eyes. In a state of compassion, you will exude love and understanding and preparation for battle. Don’t worry about helping the other person heal. Who cares? The point in your meeting is to sever all ties. Be quick and brutally honest. If you want them to bathe in a pit of hot tar, tell them. They will respect your honesty, or throw a bee-filled hive on you. However you decide to approach the situation, be steady with your aim! Bullets are expensive.
- During the meeting, focus on communicating your reasons clearly and consider delivering your message respectfully, but don’t stop for responses. When people are emotional and feeling hurt, they can easily become irrational and say things they don’t mean. Don’t be surprised if your partner acts like a small child and says unreasonable or hurtful things to you. They may not mean what they say, if given a chance to respond, but again, who cares? However if you give your partner a chance to speak, don’t take anything personally, just make sure you’re prepared to have a witty comeback. It’ll make you feel a thousand times better and tears are worth a hundred points!
- After you’ve ripped their hearts straight from their chest, give them space. In fact, present them with a restraining order at the time of the breakup so they’ll know exactly how much of a distance they are required by law to have. They will be hurt no matter what, so even if they appear fine on the outside, they are hurting. This is good. You have succeeded in your mission. What they need now is time. …oh, and a drink!
- And finally find the lesson – what did you learn through this relationship? I’m a big believer that good comes out of every situation, even ones we’ve perceived as bad. Focus on what you’ve gained and what you wouldn’t have learned otherwise.
There you have it boys and girls! If you follow these steps exactly from A-Z, you will no longer feel trapped in a tremendously painful existence, experiencing feelings of empathy mixed with remorse and guilt. And the impulse to burst into tears will cease to hit you sporadically throughout the day.
As always I would like to thank you for stopping by and most certainly encourage you to pay me a visit any time you wish. Keep in mind that my door is always open, except in the mornings before 11. If you knock on my door or ring my phone that early, I’ll cut your ass! I really will.
Until next time, my little barbarian lily pads! I must bid you a fond farewell and remember 90% of any effort is getting started!
Quote of the Week: “War does not determine who is right, war determines who is left.”