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March 14, 2011

The popular "Green Man" suit is no longer allowed in one arena.

Alan Dazinski III, the head of security for Cleveland’s Quicken Loans Arena, one of the sites of the upcoming NCAA March Madness basketball tournament, tries to be a patient man, but he says his patience is over when it comes to one issue. “I have seen enough of Mr. Green Guy, who I asked around, is apparently the superhero from “Funny in Philadelphia.” Dazinski is referring to the popular movement of wearing a full-body, curve-hugging, green suit that spawn from the television show It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia’s “Green Man” persona that has popped up in sporting events and playing the odds, a child birth or two, all over the country.

“First of all, Clevelanders don’t care for Philadelphians’ snarky, cosmopolitan lifestyle choices and mostly importantly, I have seen enough guys green saggy beanbags. That also goes for red, yellow, blue, and Burnt sienna. I understand exploring fashions. I myself used to dress up, like for the Rocky Horror Picture Show in Akron, and possibly wearing women’s brassieres to spice up a dull relationship. There’s always a time and a place for it, but little girls, who just want to enjoy a well-refereed college basketball game like any normal little girl, don’t need to see some asshole’s asshole and his blue balls until they are in college.”

Thus, Dazinski has banned the “Green Man” suit and any variations of it in the arena starting this March Madness. “Sometimes I look at the person in a suit and see a nice pair of juggs, but then I look down and I see a not so nice pair of testes. It’s always a sausage party in those suits. If I see any moron wearing it, I will chase them around the arena and taser them where the birds don’t chirp. Believe me, I'll kick them out of here like I did with that loser LeBron”

Though Mr. Dazinski is firm on this issue, he doesn’t want to limit fashion choices completely. “The only TV themed tight suits that are permissible are those red Baywatch bathing suits. And even there, you have to be able to pull it off. I know not everyone will be Erika Eleniak, but there’s gotta be something. I’m from a  family of a pirates, so I want to see a shiny treasure chest with a healthy amount of booty.”

When asked if this means no guys could wear a Baywatch suit, an icy stare from Mr. Dazinski that made you wish you were wearing a Depend provides the answers with a chilling certainty.