The wild donair: from Deleware to your mouth.
Although donair may be the meat of choice for hundreds, perhaps dozens of people around the world (all the way from Montreal to Halifax), few I think, are actually acquainted with the dim and majestic animal from which this delicate meat is first procured. Thus, I've taken the liberty of making this little known, but most fascinating creature more familiar to you.
The wild donair (donair derived the Latin word donair, meaning: ‘Meat and legs’) are similar to the wildebeest of South Africa, however with fewer horns and eyes, and are more circular with a wobbling gait.
The donair are native to the harsh, moist air-whipped northern plains of Delaware. They travel in herds and graze for wild grasses and soil; however when grass and soil are in short supply (which is often the case), the donair are forced into pigeon territory, where they face stiff competition for scraps of processed bread, dulled out by Delaware's many elderly men and women.
Life for the wild donair is often severe, they have many natural predators such as wolves, bears, and the common house cat. Modernization has also proven deterious to the donair, hundreds are killed each year on Delaware's busy highways, and even more will perish of starvation upon stumbling over into the ditches that often run along these highways.
The greatest threat the donair face however, are the Lebanese. Each year tens of thousands of donair are slaughtered by tens of Lebanese who come to Delaware from around the world for the annual donair hunt. As you can imagine, tens of thousands of donair do not make easy prey, and so the Lebanese must wear gloves to prevent callouses from forming, following a long day of pushing the unsteady animals over with their hands.
By the time the hunt is over, and supply is met for the global donair meat market, the wild donair population is left staggeringly low. Scientists are unable to explain how or why the donair repopulate (or populate at all), but nevertheless they do – it is a phenomenon some scholarly describe as 'hinging on proving the existence of God.'
And so my dear reader, I hope this brief foray into the life of the donair will add to your appreciation of this most delectable dish, and that you will give this astonishing animal reverence the next time you're consuming its flesh, following a long night of heavy drinking, where you are unsuccessful in your attempt to find a mate.
Hall of Fame