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August 07, 2015

Yesterday, Arian Foster said he didn't believe in God. Today, God responds.

In an interview earlier today, God admitted that He does not believe in Houston Texans running back Arian Foster. This comes after multiple reports stated that Foster does not believe in God.

“How can someone not believe in me if he himself does not exist?” said God as He brushed Dorito dust from his beard. “People believe in all sorts of crazy things: unicorns, gremlins, fat-free cheese, and Arian Foster. Yet, it’s plain to see that none of these things actually exist.”

God went on to talk about how He created the sun, the planets, and all of mankind, but he never once admitted to creating Arian Foster. “Now Bigfoot, the Tooth Fairy, and Donald Trump? All of those things are real. But I’ve never even heard of Arian Foster.”

Supposedly Arian Foster has been the Texans’ leading rusher for several seasons, but now this is very much up for debate.

“If Arian Foster hurts his groin in the forest, but no one is around to hear him, does he make a sound?” God asked. “No. Because he isn’t real.”