Everyone but Paul Rudd gets older. Here are five players who truly looked their age during week one of the NFL season:
1. Peyton Manning
Peyton Manning completed only 24 of 40 passes on Sunday and did not have a touchdown. Each pass he threw could be described as something between a “wounded duck” and a “duck who died of adult-onset diabetes.” Manning hasn’t had an erection in 43 years. He is 103 years old.
2. Steve Smith
Steve Smith caught 2 passes for 13 yards before needing oxygen and Alzheimer’s medication. His most commonly used phrase is “Get off my lawn!” Smith is 117 years old.
3. Calvin Johnson
In between naps and trips to the bathroom, Calvin Johnson caught 4 passes for 39 yards. He often babbles incoherently about “the old days.” He is 195 years old.
4. Andre Johnson
No longer able to move, Andre Johnson caught 4 passes for 24 yards on Sunday. He is often very quiet, and he possibly doesn’t breathe anymore. Johnson is either 245 years old or dead.
5. Eli Manning
Eli Manning turned eight years old this season. According to Manning, “I was a baby when I was borned and then I growed up good.” Manning’s favorite sport is “feetbowl,” and he hates “hurty mouth sticks” (toothbrushes). When he grows up, he hopes to be nine years old.