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Ally Hord
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Published December 02, 2013

Obscure Ways to Lose Your Girlfriend but Keep the Potential

 

They say you should never burn bridges so we’ve found 5 ways to indirectly cut ties with your significant other. Trust me when I say these methods are fool proof even though they may make for pretty awkward situations. By the way, please stick to just one, any more and you’re likely to lose your friends as well.

Pay for dinner in coin and use at least 6 dimes. Loose change is the mark of an unsuccessful man or a frat guy. It’s also annoying to walk with, not only for the carrier but for literally everyone in a 200 foot radius. Use this method if you are looking for an abrupt ending because I don’t know many women who will endure the 40 minute post desert wait as her man sits counting out his change in 4 quarter sets.

Tell her your favorite color is grey. Your color of choice speaks to your personality and grey may be one of the worst colors known to man. Think of that obese lady that goes to the gym once a week and sweats profusely under her light grey sweat suit. Or of every hobo that has ever sported a bruised grey jumpsuit under his cashmere blazer. Regardless of which particular depressing image you recollect you automatically think less of a grey-favoring individual. There’s almost a preconceived notion that your personality matches that of a lurking rapist that has moved just directly out of the bounds of the school zone radius.

Bring a sleeping bag and onesie to stay over. This is completely misleading to the point of driving her to utter confusion. Most women may see wearing a onesie as funny and entertaining but the sleeping bag brings her perception to the awkward stage which lies beyond that funny barrier. The type of awkward where she never speaks on it but it lingers in her head while she is trying to figure out WHY. Granted you may achieve the reputation of the loser within her inner circle but who cares other than your future ex’s … right?

Name your Penis. Who wants to date a guy who refers to their dick as Rodger and includes him in people plans? “Hey I’m going to see Twilight 3 with Rodger, wanna come?” doesn’t go over well in normal conversation. It’s not every day we hear females calling their vagina: Samantha, or their period: Vicky.

Take the obvious route and name your parts something prestigious. Nicknaming your penis Claude or Reginald shows the amount of time and thought you put into the process which will then scare your partner far … far away.

Put #teamEdward in your Twitter bio. Claiming a team may be one of the most repulsive self-proclamations since Enron employees could brag. This method will subtly redirect your woman’s attention towards probably any other male in the vicinity; I wouldn’t rule out females either. Also, might I add, the Hunger Games series has totally outdone even of the highest aspirations from the Twilight saga so get it together.

Please use these tools in moderation; we don’t want you reading the Occasional during your one hour recreational period inside that celled institution. The objective is to lose your girlfriend but not the rapport that you two built and saying that actually makes these methods seem rather counterproductive. Nonetheless if they are performed correctly, when your girlfriend grows to be something worthy by some odd chance then you luckily have left a crack in the attic window for you to crawl right back into her life.  

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