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March 26, 2009


Thank you buttermilk for kicking my ass!

Food or Not Food?

Man do I love Cheez Whiz!

Ever since I was a rug-rat I've loved smearing that orange stuff on just about anything. Hey, like celery filled with the Wiz! You can't beat that. My personal favorite was a bread and butter pickle sandwich slathered in Whiz. (Not to be confused with Jizz)

 A few years ago I awoke to breakfast table set with a stack of toast and a big jar of that cheesy delight. My buddy obviously followed along the same Cheez Whiz trail. Cheez Wiz was and is the ultimate spread for me.

Just last week, as I meandered through the grocery store (old guys meander), the Cheez Wiz shelf suddenly came into view. Instant salivation! But, I thought the better of it, given the price and the current state of my waistline. I have been craving a Whiz fix for months. I still took a pass.

That''s when some sort of psychic bolt of lighting emanated from my cerebral cortex. I didn't feel a thing.

You see, about three days later, Sherrie came home from a Saturday of running a few errands She was carrying a bundle of groceries. Reaching into one of the bags she said, "I thought you'd like some of this! I noticed that she was clutching one of those small jars of my delicious cheesy treat. It's almost scary how often these telepathic things happen. But I was happy as a pig in excrement that she'd picked up on my vibe!

But something else happened this week that set my mind to asking, "Is Cheez Wiz food? Is Cheez Whiz really cheese?"

You are all aware of our Farting Dog, Pumba, as many of his antics have been detailed here. Well, Pumba is a maniac when it comes to cheese. One whiff of cheese and he becomes a slobbering Mexican jumping bean. You pull the cheddar from the fridge and you have circus dog leaping at your side. He can be languishing outside (the perfect time for me to grab a few cheddar bits) and he'll go ape shit over the very scent of it; howling and whining as if he was a starving slum dog. You see, for Pumba, cheese is the monkey on his back. My dog is an admitted cheese-a-holic!

But, get this!

Every time I pull my jar of the Whiz from the fridge and pop that lid there is nary a reaction from Mr. Poo; no sniffing, no leaping, no circus dog antics. Nada! The dog acts as if I have nothing of food value in my hand.

This leads me to believe that Cheez Whiz is not cheese at all; in fact, it may not even be food. Cheez Whiz never has, and never will pass the Pumba test.

I truly believe I could spread Cheez Whiz on Pumba's butt and he wouldn't bother to lick it off. Sad, but true!

(This reminds me of one of my favorite Ron White stories. He complains of his wife's cooking. Saying things like, "Dear the smoke detector doesn't signify that dinner is done!"Commenting on one of his wife's dishes that she fed to the dog, he said, "He was licking his butt to get the taste out of his mouth!"Anywho!

Here's my little challenge for my talented FOD friends.

You can pick one or the tother!

What items classified under the food category may, in fact, not be food? Give me the whys and the wherefores? (Margarine, Kraft Dinner etc)


What is your personal favorite application for the Whiz?