Lost (now found) poetic exercise
From the Ivan O’Uris educational papers collection
Introduction: Ivan O’Uris is best known as a journalist and poet and as a teacher of karate to wild chimpanzees. However, since coming to the United States from his native island of Luscia, he also has worked in higher education as an adjunct professor at small Midwestern colleges, teaching poetry writing, with a specialty in tawdry anti-limericks. Recently, Ivan O’Uris scholars E.E. Pointer and Shawn Roney began finding Ivan’s education-related papers in his cluttered apartment, including some test writing exercises, which Mutt Media LLC is publishing.
During the fall semester of 1999, Ivan taught anti-limerick writing at Roberto C. Senoj University. One of his objectives was to teach students the anti-limerick rhyme structure of a-a-b-b-WTF. Under this structure, the first two lines rhyme. In keeping with anti-limerick tradition, they might logically link or be unrelated. This principle also applies to lines three and four, which rhyme with each other.
The last line does not rhyme with any of the previous one and is often a non sequitur intended to make the reader say, “What the f--k?”
Because many of Ivan’s students had never written anti-limericks, he created multiple choice/fill-in-the-blank testing exercises for them. Technically, there were supposed to be no “correct” answers, but Ivan created answer keys anyway.
The following is the first “poetic exercise” Ivan administered that semester. Take the test and see if your answers match Ivan’s.
POETIC EXERCISE NO. 1
ANTI-LIMERICK WRITING 103
ROBERTO C. SENOJ UNIVERSITY
DEPARTMENT OF ANTI-LIMERICKS, NON SEQUITUR HUMOR AND OYSTER OGLING
FALL SEMESTER 1999
IVAN O’URIS, ADJUNCT PROFESSOR
FILL IN THE BLANK/MULTIPLE CHOICE
Complete each line of the following anti-limerick by filling in each blank based on the choices for the corresponding number.
- A volatile veal Velcro ___________________________________________.
- all of the above
- some of the above
- kind of slightly most of none of some of the above
- nearly all of none of some of most of part of a third of half of all of the above
- possibly any of none of all of some of most of a half of a fraction of a smidgen of the above
- what was the question again?
- I am the man (or woman)
- damn, I’m tired after reading so many choices
- I like cake
2. Ate Braunschweiger while taking a _______________________________.
- be quiet, you talk too freakin’ much!
- be gone!
- what the hell is Braunschweiger anyhow?
- I’m getting delusions of grandeur
- neither true nor false
- neither false nor true
- neither false nor true nor none of some of most of the above
- neither false nor true nor none of most of some of none of nearly a pinch of all of the above
- oh, brother!
- excuse me, I need a breather before I finish reading the rest of the choices
- couldn’t we have made this a matching quiz?
- how many points is this quiz worth again?
- can I get extra credit so I can still make the honor roll?
- I still like cake
3. Though it knew facts by ______________.
- a bloated boat with a goat
- all of the above
- none of the above
- how many frickin’ words rhyme with “note” anyhow
- quote (there’s another one)
- I’m tired
- I’m still tired
- my eyelids are drooping
- I’m nodding off
- I’m nodding off and drooling on my test
4. It cheated with _______.
m. wait, what happened to choices j-k?
n. I don’t guess it matters what happened to j-k
o. sure it matters because they’re worthy letters, too, dammit!
p. all of the above
q. none of the above
r. it couldn’t cheat ’cause it was, like, an open-book test
s. it cheated, even though it was an open-book, test ’cause it, like, used the wrong book
t. (insert your own word or phrase)
5. And wondered, __________.
a. none of the above
b. all of the above
c. a and b
d. a only
e. b only
f. c, d and e only
g. tomato only
h. tomato with extra horseradish
i. g and h
j. I still like cake
k. actually, I don’t like cake so good
l. I still want to know what the hell Braunschweiger is
m. yippee, I’m a turnip!
n. a-g are correct
o. a-g are partly correct, but not as correct as h-n
p. h-n are the most correct and they frickin’ rule
s. “why the f--k do my nuts feel like they’re on fire?”
t. t-z are correct
u. t-z are incorrect
v. t-z can’t be correct, numb nuts, because x-z don’t exist
According to Ivan’s answer key, the anti-limerick should read …
A volatile veal Velcro vest
Ate Braunschweiger while taking a test.
Though it knew facts by rote,
It cheated with notes
And wondered, “Why the f--k do my nuts feel like they’re on fire?!”
©2009-2011 Mutt Media LLC. All rights reserved.
Note: Mutt Media LLC's executives are exempt from the text looking yucky-icky-ewww! because of formatting issues.