It was the year 1980. It had been raining and
storming for three months without stopping. Car accidents were at the
highest rate since 1963. Job losses set a record peak, the highest since
the Great Depression. Multitudes of people were dying of natural causes
and nobody could understand why. Top scientists were baffled of the
unprecedented events occurring all around them. It was this year, that
Nick Jones was born.
The mother of Nick Jones was in labor for three days and was speaking
in tongues for the last ten hours of the three days. And after the
heinous labor, Nick Jones was brought into the world. At the exact
moment of birth, the hospital was struck by lightning and had lost all
power. It had only been a few minutes that Nick Jones was apart of this
world. He was reaching with his left hand towards the lamp next to the
bed where his mother was resting. This awesome power took over, and his
mother could not ignore it, nor stop it. Nick Jones continued to reach
towards the lamp until (with his mother’s help) he was able to reach the
lamp. He had made contact with his first object of his life. He touched
the light bulb in the lamp and suddenly all of the power had returned.
All of the machines in the hospital were functioning accordingly. At the
same moment, the rain had stopped. The sun was shining an awesome light
that brought an end to the never ending storms. Stocks were on a rise.
All of the people in the world, felt alive again.
No one ever was able to explain these events. How they came about,
and why they ended so suddenly. Nick Jones is unable to remember
anything before the age of nine.
The year is now 2010. Nick Jones is a successful movie producer,
director and actor. He has was won awards for such films as; “If It’s
Dead, Don’t Buy It,” “Undead Pimps of Chicago,” “You’re Eyes Tastes
Better Cold” and the 2006 cult classic “Yellow Corn”. He has set records
in track and field events, magazine reading, bathroom attendance,
aerobics and usage of the word “true.”
He lives in St. Louis, MO. He is an avid citizen of community out
reach and holds lectures on creative movie titles and how to feed your
When asked what his greatest achievement is, Nick Jones just smiled
elegantly and replied: “It would have to be the time that I was on a
Wheaties box for eight consecutive years.”
Paparazzi have held conventions on how to cover this star but still
have not figured out a way to get under his skin or even a decent
Nick Jones is currently in New Zealand working on his next film
simply called “The Best Fucking Movie Ever.” No other details of the
film have been provided. Production is due to be finished in August. He
will then return to the states for a book signing tour for his 98th book
titled “I Created The Universe.” The tour will start in September and
end in July of 2012. Nick Jones has made it a point to meet every single
fan of his, no matter how long it takes.
Nick Jones never seems to stop surprising his fans and will continue
to be the reigning superstar of his time. It has been a pleasure for
myself to write this article on Nick Jones, for now I am a part of world
history. I can now die gracefully and fulfilled with zeal.