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January 14, 2016
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She's ready to take on a chance on you. Are you ready for her?

Hi,

It’s been a long time hasn’t it? Wow. It sure is funny how one moment you’re a impressionable young woman fresh out of college, with a Bachelors of Education in one hand and the whole world in front of her ready to teach gaggles of knowledge hungry young kids and the next moment you’re a two time divorcee living alone in a studio apartment full of cats that rushes home every day from work hoping to catch a call from your children on your landline because you can’t afford to fix your cell phone.

Ah,but life does goes on, eh? Ha-ha, it sure does … slowly but life-shatteringly surely.Sometimes, the second hand on my wall clock sounds like thunder as I watch it slowly creep around the dial and signal the end creeps nearer. Time may be a human construct, but I’m certain it’s a prison because I’ll be damned if it hasn’t held me prisoner ever since my second husband was taken from me by that temptress from accounting, Sharon.

I am so alone, so utterly and tragically alone, Jesus Christ … but that’s the reason I’m writing you today you former little cutie. It’s been 30 years but I’ve never forgotten you and your clever way with words. In fact, I kept the note you left me in your 2nd grade Phonics textbook and randomly happened to come across it recently while frantically searching for anything resembling a Kleenex during one of my legendary suicidal crying fits. (Thosesons-of-bitches didn’t get my tears in the divorce, that’s for sure!)

Your letter was and still is soooo adorable to me, and if I can be perfectly frank …made me tingle in places I thought were broken. (blush) I mean my vagina, of course. I’m as a giddy as a school girl! In fact, what really caught my eye was your ability to complete sentences and write legibly at such a young age. Those are still my biggest turn-ons.

Of course, at the time I was thinking far more rationally and clearly than I amnow and was restricted not only by the laws of our country as well as my moral compass so I couldn’t pursue a relationship with a 7-yr old. But now, oh now you’re nearly 40 and I … well … I’ve reached my Golden years. Everyone likes gold, right?

Maybe I’m crazy (my therapist and my psychiatrist can’t agree!) but I think I’d liketo give you my answer to your letter now. Do I like you too? I check …YES. It’s not like I have many options at this point. Hopefully you still have that same youthful zeal you once had all those years ago. I’m assuming those freckles and your moppy hair are still in play? Frankly, I wouldn’t care if you were a balding wheelchair-bound paraplegic, as long as you could listen to me and occasionally blow the dust out of my arid sex canyon, I’d be one satisfied customer.

Here’s a recent pic:

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I don’t know if you’re still into shooting spitballs and farting into your ownhands so you can cup it up to your mouth and taste it but I hope so. That was really cute. Hopefully you didn’t grow up to be a cocksucker but seriously, I’ll take what I can get.

Letme know when we can meet. I’ll be sitting by the phone in my old dress waiting to hear from you.

I hope it’s okay if I bring some cats.

Fondly,

Mrs. Jacobs

212-345-7654

P.S. Please call me Helen. You’re a man and I’m a woman.

P.S.S. XOXOXOXOXO + XOXOXOXOXOX = US (A little math joke)

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