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August 03, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

The trailer for the next season of "Doctor Who" is now online. Spoiler alert: It turns out Time Lords and ALFs are the same thing.

A school in New Zealand held a competition for best-dressed dead possum. Everyone lost.

Kofi Annan resig"ned as the UN envoy to Syria. The UN will formally respond in 10 months.

A Houston man led police on a car chase while driving his Smart car. Police say it was the first time they've ever had a car chase and been able to walk.

Facebook's stock fell below $20, its lowest point yet. It's fallen so low that it's even begun tagging itself in pictures it's not even in.

Iran's Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei now has an Instagram account. The Ayatollah says he loves applying fun filters to pictures of friends at parties, shots of his dog sleeping, and free speech.

Last week, the Pentagon’s Missile Defense Agency told employees to stop watching porn at work. To be fair, it really helps train them in tracking the path of projectiles.

For the first time in O magazine's history, Oprah Winfrey will appear on the cover without having her hair treated. Leaving the font as the only thing on the cover that's straight.

During a women's waterpolo match, NBC aired footage of one of the athlete's exposed breasts. A rough week for the network since they're still apologizing for airing everything else.

A billionaire building a replica of the Titanic now says he also wants to clone dinosaurs and put them in a theme park. Oh, Preston Waters, will you never grow up?

After winning a gold medal, Chinese diver Wu Minxia was told by her father that her grandparents died over a year ago and that her mother has breast cancer. Understandably, they didn't want to tell her sooner since she's so good at jumping off of things.

Chick-fil-A says it made record profits on Wednesday thanks to “Chick-fil-A Appreciation Day." No word on how Thursday's "Let's Get Real: This is About How Gays Are The Devil Day" went.