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July 12, 2011
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3 phases. 33 steps. Visualize the interview. Get the job.

Visualize the interview.  Get the job!

Phase 1:  Introductions

1.  You are wearing a great suit and tie.
2.  Enter the room with purpose and maintain eye contact.
3.  Shake hands firmly and refuse any Jew gold the interviewer tries to slip you. He appreciates your honesty.  You've gained his trust.
4.  Introduce yourself ("Greetings, I am Daernor, King of the Dryads")
5.  You're doing fine.  Relax.
6.  You brought a bag lunch.  Great.
7.  To show the interviewer that it's not alcohol, reach inside the lunch and "shoot" the interviewer with the banana.
8.  You're doing fine.  Relax.
9.  "Gotta fuel up!"  Eat the banana.
10.  The interviewer is warming up to you.
11.  Phase 1 complete.

Phase 2:  Getting to know each other

1.  Hand the interviewer your resume.
2.  Explain the coffee stains.
3.  Mime spilling coffee on your suit.
4.  Don't mime too well--there can only be one mime in this interview.  And it sure as hell isn't you.
5.  Make a nice comment about the interviewer's shoes.
6.  Comment about how inadequate and cheap your shoes look.
7.  Afterwards, if the interviewer complements your shoes (hopefully) take them off and slide them under the desk towards him.
8.  The interviewer may be getting bored or sleepy at this point in the interview. Crack dos red bulls.  "One for me... and one for ma dog."
9.  Drink both red bulls.
10.  Your presence in the office no longer offends the interviewer.
11.  Phase 2 complete.

Phase 3:  Sealing the deal

1.  You have asserted yourself and established your aura--great.  But be careful, you may have what we call a "jealous Gerald" on your hands.
2.  Don't paw the dirt too much.  There is only enough room in here for one rogue elephant.
3.  Get ready for the coup de grace--the kiss of death.
4.  Lean across the table and slip him a single business card... At first glance it looks exactly like his business card.  Because it is.  But here's the catch: where it usually says his name--it now says your name.
5.  Wait for it...
6.  Mind: blown.  Check: mated.
7.  YES!  The job is yours.  Give yourself a pat on the back--you just pulled off the total classic power move.
8.  If you have the training, make a bottle of champagne and two wine glasses appear out of thin air.  If you don't, forget it, you would never pull it off.
9.  Take a victory lap around the office.  High five your future coworkers.
10.  Stop when you reach the door: I'll see you (finger pistol at the interviewer) on Monday.
11.  Congratulations!  You have successfully completed all three phases and landed yourself an amazing job.  Enjoy the money and hot women.  You can fart now.
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