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“THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN” 

By Michael Lake 

 

 Peter Parker stared into Mary Jane’s eyes. She’d just discovered something shocking about him...but somehow, it felt right.

 “I think I always knew all this time who you really were”, said Mary Jane.

 “Then you know why we can't be together,” Peter began sadly. “Spider-Man will always have enemies. I can't let you take that risk. I will always be Spider-Man....”

“Peter, I can’t survive without you,” she cut across him.

 “But...”

 “Can’t you respect me enough to let me make my own decision? I know there will be risks but I want to face them with you. Isn’t it about time somebody saved YOUR life?”

 Peter smiled. “Okay, but there’s a few other things you should know. Coffee later?”

 “Sure.”

 Peter swung away into the sunset.

 They met again at their favorite café a few hours later.

 “Okay. So. With great power comes great responsibility, I will always have enemies, you’ll never be safe”, Peter recapped. “But you’re cool with that, right?”

“Of course,” smiled Mary Jane.

 “There’s more.... I ... I ...”

 “You can tell me anything, Pete,” Mary Jane said.

 “I have hair on my thumbs. A lot of it. You’ve probably never met a guy who has hairy thumbs, but I do. I have thumb hair, and a lot of it.”

 “That’s fine.”

 “Also, since the spider bite, my vision has improved quite a bit. Sometimes, I can even see like, eight of you at once”.

 “Okay”.

 “Every fluid in my body has been replaced with a silky, web-like substance. EVERY”.

 “Peter, all of this is fine. I love you just the way you are,” Mary Jane replied.

 “I’ve lost control of my bowel movements,” Peter went on.

 “Umm...what?” Mary Jane asked.

 “Yeah. Well, not so much, ‘lost control’, as ‘stopped caring’. I mean, spiders don’t use toilets, so why should I?” Peter added.

 “I guess that makes sense,” said Mary Jane.

 “Remember the first time we kissed?” asked Peter, after a moment.
 “When I was hanging upside down?”

 “Of course,” Mary Jane beamed.

 “I think I laid a few eggs inside of your brain while doing so. You may want to get checked”.

 Mary Jane didn’t respond. She turned her attention to the newspaper on the table, and picked it up to read. 

 “WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING, YOU CRAZY BITCH?!” Peter screamed.

 “What?” said Mary Jane, startled.

 “Oh...phew...for a second there, I thought you were trying to kill me. You know, when you’re half spider, every rolled up newspaper looks like an instrument of death”.

 “You’re afraid of NEWSPAPERS?”

 “Yeah. All spiders are”.

 “Peter, you WORK for a newspaper”.

 “Not anymore. Nah. I had to quit that job. I mean, how could I work there, when I ‘m scared someone’s going to squish me to death every two seconds? That’s just silly”.

 “How are you going to pay the bills? I mean, you know I love Spider-Man, but...that’s not a paying job”.

 “I kinda thought you could pay for most of my stuff. Can’t really get a day job. Crime does not work 9 to 5,” Peter said.

 “Well, we have to figure something out...Peter...” Mary Jane started.

 Their water interrupted. “Can I get anything for you today? Mr. Parker?”

 “I’ll have a Caesar salad and a coffee,” Mary Jane said.

 “Do you cook things to order?” Peter asked. “

Yes,” said the waiter.

 “Okay. Do you have a bug zapper in the kitchen? Kill me a few flies, and put that on a plate. Also, be a sport and spit on it for me a few times.”

 “Good joke, Mr. Parker,” the waiter chuckled.

 “DO THIS FOR ME OR I’LL KILL YOU!!!” Peter screamed.

The waiter fled.

 “There’s more,” Peter told her when the waiter was out of earshot.

 “Oh?”

 “I recently found out that the spider who bit me was a black widow...a female....so I’m starting to think a more accurate name for me might be Spider-Woman...”

 “What are you talking about?”

 “My estrogen level has definitely gone up lately. I think I have ovaries.
If that’s true, would you still wanna be with me?”

 “That’s a pretty big ‘what if’, Pete”.

 Ignoring this, Peter continued. “My penis is way smaller than it used to be. I think any day now, it’s going to fold back into itself, and I’ll be a woman. Isn’t that cool?”

 “How is that cool?”

 “Growing up,” Peter started heavily. “I would also picture how amazing it would be to watch you with another chick. Now, I can finally make that happen. I CAN BE THAT OTHER CHICK!”

 The waiter returned, with Mary Jane’s salad.

 “Your...er... flies...will just be another minute, Mr. Parker,” said the waiter, trembling.

 “I’M HUNGRY NOW!” cried Peter.

He spat in the waiter’s face, rubbed his hands, and took a bite out of the waiter’s neck.

 “What the hell is wrong with you?!” shrieked Mary Jane.

 “I’m part spider, Mary Jane! I cannot help it!”

 “Is he dead?!”yelled Mary Jane.

 “Yep. Speaking of which...there’s something else”.

 “WHAT?!”

 “The black widow spider is known to eat its mating partners. So, if we ever have sexual intercourse, I will probably be killing you and eating you, minutes after. Just a heads up. Hey...after I eat you, I can have your apartment! Problem solved!”

 “So, basically what you’re telling me,” Mary Jane said, “Is that Spider-Man is actually a freeloading, unemployed, cannibal who’s afraid of rolled-up newspapers and plans to spend the rest of his...or would that be her... life sitting on my couch, crapping in his...sorry...her...pants?”

 “Pretty much, yeah. But I can shoot webs and stuff.”

 Mary-Jane rolled up the newspaper and whacked him on the head. He exploded.

                                                                                  THE END

 

 

@TheMichaelLake

 

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