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January 25, 2012

I hate those stick figure family stickers on mini vans

Nothing says "You're not a part of our family!" like a portrait of that family affixed to the back of their Odyssey staring at you while you sit behind them at a stoplight. 

(Does the baby have polio? Are those crutches?)


Not only are you not part of their family, you can't have a sticker like that because

these stickers are just for families, COMPLETE FAMILIES. So divorcees need not apply. Sure you can order a sticker for a family without a mom but people don't. And, to be honest, the company probably likes that they have a wholesome WHOLE family image. This company doesn't want to go through the trouble of printing and sending you a "Single Dad and sons" sticker- it's not worth the ink. (The odds of your family actually surviving, and not eating each other, are marginal anyway)


(Dad has a goatee, ugh. he also works as a waiter to afford camo for his sons- they love the military but aren't allowed to serve do to a smudge on their record involving an illegal laundress and rape. Fine, "alleged" rape.)


 And forget it, working mother of 3 who put her husband through med school so he could leave her after 15 years and sleep with his Laotian secretary- they don't want to print you a broken family sticker- what will they do with all the leftover ink they were supposed to use on the wiry stick frame of a husband? Print you picture of your office? Because you see more of it than your family since your god damn husband won't pay the child support he owes but still gets to play hero every weekend when he picks the kids up and takes them for the fun stuff like movies and ice cream and you're the one up with them every night when they're sick, taking them to school and the dentist and the doctor and I swear to GOD, Carl, if that woman "don't call her THAT woman, Sharon, her name is Liu and she's a doctor in her country" Don't interrupt me, CARL, I'M NOT YOUR WIFE ANYMORE! If THAT WOMAN- answers your phone the next time I call your apartment to talk to my kids I AM TAKING YOU TO COURT FOR CHILD ENDANGERMENT YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE! AND YOU'RE GONNA PAY THE COURT FEES, YOU UNGRATEFUL BASTARD! I HATE YOU! 

That won't fit on a rear window.

(This dad would rather literally mow his entire family down than be caught dead on a sticker with only him as a single parent)


And by the way- you're super proud of your family, right? Love'em just the way they are? Love'em so much you want everyone to know! So you put little serial killer/caveman sketches of who they are, how many of them there are and what they're like on your rear window? Why? So pedophiles can plan in advance how much candy they'll need?

Sure, you got a sticker of little Bobby (but kids aren't named things like Bobby anymore- no, now every parents tries to nonchalantly out-cool the other parents by giving their kids grandparent names with a futuristic twist on them like

Jayden, Jaylen, Calyn, Colton, Trevlyn, Cade, Cole,  Landon, Ashtyn, Cale, Kale,  Cayden, Canden, Camden, Corbin, Cannon, Nick Cannon, Jorblyn, Gobblin, Jobbly, Jibblin', Nibblin- just seeing if you were still reading.

So you got your little boy, Nibblin, on their, your little girl, lemme guess, her name's Stella...No! Piper. Oooh, I bet it's Chloe, or Madison! Ok so little Nibblin and Piper are on there and so is baby Gobblin.

And let's not forget the sticker for Sadie, the family's yellow lab (Sadie: Most overused name for yellow labs ever) All three kids have sports outfit stickers on them; Nibblin has on his football helmet because he loves football, Piper has on a catchers mit because she's obviously gonna grow up to be a big ol' lez and baby Gobblin has like a rattle or something so people see he's a baby and not a dwarf.                              

(I made this one- look at that haircut and and tell me she's not a lesbian)


Anyway, since you took the time to represent everyone in the family and even dress them in their sport of choice outfits- why are they not depicted accurately? What do I mean? You drive a mini van, you're white, you live in middle America....So why aren't your stickers of...fat...stick figures? Over 63% of Americans are overweight and you're telling me that of the thousands of assholes driving around with these stickers of their families, NONE of them are fat? 

I don't see these stickers on the backs of a two seater Audi zipping through Los Angeles or on Mercedes' gliding through the streets of NY. No, where I see these is everywhere else. Michigan, Missouri, Idaho, Kansas- normal places in the middle of America- normal places where people are fat. And, if you live in middle America, don't even try getting all upset about this (remember, your heart) because it's just a fact. A fat fact.


Maybe I'm thin because I go to the gym or maybe it's genetics or maybe...it's because my parents divorced when I was seven. I'm thin because divorce makes a kid anxious, and anxiety creates loss of apatite. I had to try harder to survive- I couldn't keep warm under the warmth of both parents' undulating bellies in the winter- I had to move around, make my own heat- take care of myself- Mom and I had to work to keep each other warm- and we're more agile and thinner for it. 

So go ahead, lying fat families, continue to show off your strength in numbers from the rears of your Siennas. Show the world how much sex you've had with your wife or how many rounds of en vitro you went through to get your little blessings -keep ordering those stickers- those thin perfect stickers- and dress them up in all the extra curricular sports paraphernalia you like. Make people think you're active. Put them on your vans and drive around feeling higher and mightier than all of the messed up families- but behind the stick figure family stickers, under the special order window tint, below the glass- we see what you're hiding. Fat. And just know that when I'm sitting in traffic staring at that sticker, I don't see a family. No, I see a thin stick figure staring back at me...and it's like looking in a fucking mirror.





P.S. After writing this I did further research (always pontificate THEN do fact checks) on the sticker making web site and it turns out you can order a fat stick figure but this was all they had and I don't think this really does the fat justice. I actually don't even think she's fat, I think the computer screen adds 10 lbs. Her name is Marcy, obviously.