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January 26, 2015

You never knew that the stupid 24 year old you knew was the most cultured man alive!

On a plane back to the West Coast from New York City, a cute 22-year-old, Sara, unassumingly sat next to a dashingly interesting, worldly knowledgable, yet vanilla-looking 24-year-old stud of her dreams. While most 24-year olds are wet behind the ears, naive and—let’s face it—dumb, this particular one had a sparkle in his eye and no that wasn’t just the $300 eye cream his mom has mailed to him every month. It was knowledge of the world.

As the naive, idiotic, Sara talked of her wonderful weekend visiting friends in NYC, her dreamboat explained how amongst his travels he found that London had much more culture than the melting pot of the world. The hundreds of years of serving as a catch-all for the world’s immigration, NYC stood no chance against the well-bred culture dominated by the WASPs of historically white England. Listen up Thomas Guides, this is the real travel tips you need to know!

When Travel Stud requested a cup of tea, he disgustingly received a cup of hot water and a tea bag to dunk in it. In horror, he shared his knowledge with the girl saying, “in Europe he learned you must, MUST, pour the hot water through the tea bag in order to fully release the flavor, otherwise all the flavor would never be released.” In a world filled with concern over not recycling or wasted energy, our whole culture wastes the flavor in a tea bag. A true disgrace. Sara was utterly in awe to learn this information. “Truly worth the price of the entire plane ticket alone,” Sara said.

Sara, eager to impress, pulled out the wine menu to order a much-needed adult beverage when our hero leaned over and asked “Is there any Niel?” Sara, dumb as f**k, asked what that was and he enlightened her on the Niel grape, a grape fondly loved by the Italians. But how could such a young, plain-looking gentleman know this? From his travels, moron. While on holiday in Italy, he describes in beautiful prose the story of driving across the Tuscany countryside when it struck him to stop at a small villa. This villa is where he learned of a grape so rich, so wonderful, so unique that only amazing, awesome, stupendous travelers like himself know of it.

Sara left that flight, over the moon from this experience. It was as if she had traveled the world on a simple plane flight, learned of culture no other person could know and she thought, “wow he must be the most fascinating person alive.”