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September 28, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

The NFL referee lockout is officially over. Ensuring that no one will ever disagree about a call again.

On Wednesday, Mitt Romney highlighted in an interview that he got everyone in Massachusetts health care then later denounced Obamacare at a rally. Yeah, but with that kind of turnaround, imagine what he can do with the economy. Or: To be fair, he did just lose his job as a replacement NFL referee.

In Ohio, President Obama said he wanted to “export” U.S. jobs. He caught the mistake and laughed it off since you can't export something that doesn't exist.

Less than a week before Election Day, George W. Bush will be delivering a speech on investing in the Cayman Islands. In related news, Dick Cheney will be giving instructions on how to best tie a dog to the roof of a car.

Rapper 50 Cent tweeted that men shouldn't masturbate and to help, they should avoid pornography and strip clubs. Suggesting more and more that his song "Candy Shop" was literally about a candy shop.

The UN High Commission has warned that the number of Syrian refugees could double to 700,000. A report that may finally result in some action from the UN Higher Commission, the UN Highest Commission, and the UN This is No Time For Diplomacy, This is a Time for Action, Dammit, Commission.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton suggested al Qaeda was involved in the recent attack on the U.S. embassy in Libya. And unlike most suggestions made by Hillary Clinton, it had nothing to do with her becoming president one day.

Jay-Z dispelled rumors that wife Beyoncé is pregnant again. Keeping the count steady at 99 problems.

Mexican officials say they have caught the drug lord known as "El Taliban." So you know they probably didn't get help from "El America."

In China, artist and activist Ai Weiwei says he will not pay the rest of his fine for alleged tax evasion. China's treating him so harshly, you'd think he was a woman pregnant with twins. Or: Said his lawyer, "My client feels he's being treated wei, wei unfairly."

Bill Clinton jokingly suggested he might run for president in Ireland or France. Mitt Romney said the same thing about the United States.

Celine Dion will appear in a one-hour tribute to Whitney Houston. Producers say it will be the first televised tribute put together with contempt.