An Agoura Hills woman has terrified her neighborhood by decorating her lawn with the remains of children that appear to have been frozen in place and covered with bronze. The woman was not available for comment, but was seen getting into her car wearing dark sunglasses and a large shawl over her head and shoulders. Her neighbors have taken her macabre decorations as a warning, and are steering clear of the reclusive psycho.
“I think it’s sick, it’s just really sick,” says resident Anne Mathis who lives next door. “I was walking over some of my award winning chocolate chip cookies, you know, to welcome her to the neighborhood. Then I saw them.” Anne is referring to the five children who appear to have been surprisingly carefree at the time of death, possibly at play during an outdoor school function. They all are wearing hiking boots, and the young boy pictured in front is raising his hand as if to ask a question. “How am I supposed to feel safe with a constant reminder that my kids could die suddenly and be put on someone’s lawn like some kind of trophy? It’s not right.”
The local Homeowner’s Association has yet to intervene, citing resident’s rights to display tasteful lawn ornaments. Association officer Phil Decter of the Architectural Control Committee issued a brief statement, “She hasn’t done anything against our current code of conduct for lawn decoration. Who’s to say those aren’t regular statues?” A confidential source within the Architectural Control Committee refuted Mr. Decter’s official statement, saying instead, “We know they’re real. They’re so lifelike…it’s creepy. She just scares the hell out of us. Where did they come from?”
We appropriated a receipt of the mystery woman's indicating that she conducted recent transactions at local pet store Happy Pets. The employees of Happy Pets were reluctant to offer any information about their customer, but we were able to speak with regular Happy Pets customer Dr. Bamfield. “She bought a lot of mice. So either she keeps mice, or she keeps snakes. Snakes eat mice, see?” We do see, but if she ever removes that shawl and sunglasses, we hope to remember to bring our mirrored shield.