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May 11, 2012

If you were wondering what happens when it all ends, then just take a look at this!

A lot of people believe that lions will become vegans on December 21, 2012, either that, or the world will end. This is totally fine. One of the biggest benefits to thinking the world is coming to an end is being able to go banaynays and do whatever you want and say “Screw consequences, get money, get hoes, SWAAAAAAAAAAAAAG”. But let’s fast forward to the morning of December  22, 2012 - Or as I like to call it – National “OH SHIT” Day. You’re still here, and suddenly the phrase “Do you boo boo” doesn’t sound as sweet anymore. However, if you’re wondering what to do, then kick that hooker out of your bed and wonder no more! Here are some things you will (or should) be doing the day after shizzy gets realzies.


1. Apologizing


In your conquest to live life to the fullest you made some enemies, but don’t be scurred, all you have to do to repair those bridges you threw gasoline on and burned with a flamethrower is say sorry. Tell people you just really got into YOLO for a while or that your evil twin came to town and has been making you look like a total dick, make up excuses like your life depends on it, because the santas holding the Salvation Army buckets you stole money from to buy that IDGAF t-shirt (that you just HAD TO HAVE) would be more than happy to beat the living shit out of you. So apologize to all the children, adults, Cold Stone employees, fish at Sea World, Taylor Swift, DMV ladies, dudes that wear uggs, dudes that are ugly, African-Americans, African-Africans, and humans you did so wrong.


2. Losing An Addiction



So the world is ending, why not start doing cocaine or huff  some computer duster? Your body’s not going to be here long enough to actually take any damage. Life as we know it is donzo, so let’s do meth! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Unfortunately, you and the rest of the human race is still here, except for those guys who went skinny dipping in shark infested waters, they’re dead. And since you’re still here, that means your body (that has been used as a treasure chest for toxic waste) is also here, in other words, you are screwd. But chillax, being addicted to various drugs can be managed nowadays. You basically have two choices, you can either 1.) start selling your body to support this new hobby, or 2.) not do that. Then again, you’re a smart person so this whole thing will resolve itself!...Actually, no, you should probably go to rehab.


3. Treasure Hunting


Last night was cray cray, but that’s understandable, seeing how it was the whole last night on earth and junk. Now you wake up dazed and confused, a little hungry, and a lot hung over, but more importantly, what’s with all this cool stuff laying around!? You just woke up to a bunch of swag glazed around your home, and it’s time to start collecting it. Is that a brick of pure gold in your closet, a hologram Tupac Shakur Generator on your counch, Michael Jackson passed out on your stove, or a bowl of cheerios that actually taste good in the hand of a statue of Zeus? HELL YEAH! So screw the details of how all this got here, it’s time to collect what’s not rightfully yours and not give a bag of fucks!


4. Making Friends



The knowledge that the human race will no longer be on earth in the near future (and alcohol) is the world’s most organic truth serum. Why not say the things you usually keep bottled up inside out loud for the world to hear, even for your girly friends to hear. Did your girly friends take you to see Marley and Me instead of Bridesmaids? Well tell them to go eat lots of ice cream and that you secretly hope that the Lifetime channel is a reality! They won’t have their physical bodies long enough to be mad at you. But hey, it’s the next day, your buddies have gone away, and since there’s no morning after pill for being a dick, it looks like somebody is going to have to build a few new relationships. It’s time to venture back out into the world, time to get some fresh air. Now is the time to see if your social skills are second best or above the rest, so go to a dub step concert, a club, the park, or anything else that puts you next to a person. You’re just going to have to do whatever it takes to be around the people that should have died yesterday but didn’t. Be cool with these new potential B.F.Fs, and for the love of god,  brush your teeth.


5. Going to the Doctor



A person usually goes to the doctor to make sure their body’s pretty healthy, or healthy enough to go out and destroy it completely. And there’s a good chance you’ll be doing this the day after “I dun curr” day/Decemer 21, 2012. “But why the hell would I need to see a doctor?” you ask. The real question is “why the hell wouldn’t you need to see a doctor?”. The end of days is a free pass to be a risk taker and listen to that R.E.M. Song every would love to drop dead to just to be funny. So excuse em moi, but your body is gonna need a few repairs. And since life isn’t all shits and giggles like that board game Operation, this won’t be pleasant.


6. Moving On With Your Life



In the end, the world’s still here and life goes on, but don’t get down! You’ll just go online and find out when the world “REALLY” comes to an end and start this process over again. And why? Well, because you got spunk shorty!