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February 15, 2010


There are many ways to send the right message, and hopefully by now you've perfected your own favorites. From winking, to ass-taps, to flowers or theater tickets, the right message is only a matter of interpersonal space and body language. But for some, these methods do not work correctly. 

For instance, a friend of mine, who shall remain named Zai, has this problem. He can't wink, his taps are closer to slaps, the flowers he buys strangely look like Magic (the gathering) cards and theater tickets usually emulate an "Avatarian" sense of action and science fiction. There are not many people as bad at "right messaging" as Zai, but even for those who are at a lesser degree, it becomes necessary to send the right message in a box. 

How does one accomplish such a message? The cold cubism of the box automatically screams "nuh-uh" to the casual recipient. This phenomenon was documented in a 1995 scientific survey on the "general disgust" the public had on it's UPS delivery drivers. The solution to the problem is to first figure out which kinds of messages are "unboxable" before sending anything. To do this, I've devised a couple easy suggestions to help you out:

1. Messages which would involve a casual shrug, eye-movement, patting of the hand or brow-furl to become "right" by nature, are not box worthy. Without adequate methods of boxing body language alongside your message, it is impossible for a recipient to see anything other than a wrong message.

2. Beware of traditional wrong messages that you would think are right. Perhaps that fish in a newspaper was meant to signify a scrumptious fresh meal for the night, but in Sicily, a dead fish means that the recipient will be "sleeping with the fishes". Another fodder of traditional wrong messages is the "high maintenance" novelty t-shirt. You may have thought it would be a clever sarcastic lovable message, but for the recipient there is no explanation worthy of "righting" that message. Another time-honored wrong message is the "black spot", which I know, could today 

3. Finally, use good judgment and follow the "square peg in the round hole" methodology. Some items, such as kittens, tarantulas or pressure sensitive biological weapons, do not belong in boxes. Any time things such as these are opened, intentions are thrown to the wind and your message will be wrong. 

And don't forget, there are alternative messaging devices. Diamond ring manufacturers have engineered "rounded boxes" as a way to allow for the recipients to see the "right message". The same goes for goldfish distributors, who have instead "bagged" their items. If you're still unsure, make a list of reasons you think it's the "right message" before you send your box and email it to rightmessageboxhelp@gmail.com.