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December 19, 2017

Check yourself with this list to see if you've possibly spun your last bottle.

Check yourself with this list to see if you’ve possibly shotgunned your last Keystone Light and will only be attending grown-up parties from now on:

  • Guests’ coats are placed on the bed of the master bedroom, and not just because they’re trying to cover up a vomit stain from earlier.
  • The hors d'oeuvres aren’t all simply some bite sized variation on pizza, or half a box of Captain Crunch.
  • When a couple gets a bit tipsy and romantic, they decide to go home, not onto the front lawn.
  • There are no special instructions for flushing the commode.
  • You get in trouble if you try to turn on the TV.
  • In the email invite they call it a “soiree” instead of a “party.” Also, there is an email invite.
  • The dozens of lit candles aren’t being used to cover the smell of bong usage.
  • You don’t have to check to make sure that a ferret isn’t beneath the sofa cushion before sitting down.
  • The floors and furniture aren’t covered with passed out people the following morning.
  • Nobody plays on their phone during dinner, and dinner is served on an actual dinner table in an actual dining room.
  • Dessert isn’t fortune cookies or half a box of Captain Crunch.
  • Coffee is served after dinner for reasons other than trying to quickly sober up for the drive home.
  • None of your friends were invited.
  • Neither was Captain Crunch.