Full Credits

By Jesse Rothenberg

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April 17, 2017
Published
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It's on the internet, so now you can feel better about it.

Wow, I’m so happy that you clicked on this, you’re going to feel much better after you read this. Though honestly, just clicking on it was probably good enough. You know that weird thing that you do as a result of your weird thoughts and/or body. Yea that one, the one you are really self-conscience about. The one that you look around before and after doing in order to see if anyone saw you doing it. The one you’ve never mentioned to anyone. The one you accidentally did in front of your dog once and now things are kind of uncomfortable between you guys. Well, it’s hard to tell if a dog is uncomfortable, but he doesn’t seem to want belly rubs anymore and he used to love belly rubs. Anyways, that one. Well, it turns out it’s exactly as weird as you thought it was. You made a good choice by not doing it in front of anyone because they would have been all like, “Check out that weird guy doing that weird thing. We should shame him. Hey, weird guy! You’re weird!” I mean, your parents probably wouldn’t disown you if they saw it, but they would certainly be concerned. So it’s been established that it’s definitely weird, but you totally shouldn’t feel bad about it because like, everyone does it. Yea, I know it sounds crazy. How could it be weird if everyone does it? It just is. It’s objectively weird, and you should never do it in front of another living soul. However, I did write an article about it, and now you’re reading it. Doesn’t that feel good, to have someone write about the exact, incredibly specific thing you’re so self-conscience about? Not only did I write about it, but it’s on the internet. That means that other people probably read it. If they read it then the only logical conclusion is that they are also doing the exact same weird thing. Right now, they are thinking, “Wow, this is undeniably about me and my weird thing.” It only makes sense. So you’re still weird, but it turns out everybody is weird. That’s right, everybody in the world is weird in the exact same way as you. So you don’t have to feel weird about it anymore. Doesn’t that feel great? Aren’t you glad you read this? I’m glad you feel that way. Don’t share this though, you don’t want anyone finding out you’re weird in this specific way. That would be embarrassing.

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