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February 03, 2015

Our two-year wait to get Master Chef Cliff into our Dirty Hippie Coop test kitchen was well worth the wait!

Our two-year wait to get Master Chef Cliff into our Dirty Hippie Coop test kitchen was well worth the wait! This Invitation-Only community event for our best contributors sold out so quickly we didn’t even have a chance to list it on our events page. (Distractors say we’re getting elitist, but we gave them a 1% discount off their purchases and they shut up pretty quick. LIKE THEY DO.)So just what did Brattleboro’s tastemakers discover at the hands of Food Magician Cliff? Just this piece of gastronomical wizardry, that’s all. For all of you who weren’t able to be there in person, good fucking luck making this on your own.

  • One over-ripe pangolin
  • The tiniest summer orange you can find, but not like, too small, you know
  • A whole lot of doobie, like, srsly, a LOT. Like Maui Waui would be good, but don’t use any of this New England shit the kids are selling nowadays. Opportunist punks don’t even know what’s what.

Drain the pangolin. Bring juices to 107 F. Quickly add .03 grams of the fructose from the orange. Allow to cool gradually. When it begins to set up at precisely 103oF, heave in two pretty big scoops of pot. Stir rapidly while singing the Pixies’ “Where Is My Mind?” When you get to the part where the third building blows up in “Fight Club,” abruptly stop stirring. THIS IS IMPORTANT. DON’T FUCK IT UP.

Gently cajole it into a nice serving dish, like the one with flowers on it your mom gave you that you never use. Before your very eyes it will congeal and turn a lovely shade of creamy dust.

Take the remaining flavor from the orange and lather it all up in your now-empty pangolin. Like, really get up in there. Like, all the way.

Tear pangolin into pieces with your bare hands. Lob it artistically yet nonchalantly into the lake of doobie pudding.

Serve immediately. You only get once chance to do it right the first time, and after that everyone’s just lost faith in you.

If you find that you’ve posted pictures of this, don’t forget your dumb #hashtags! #sofuckingtrendy #likesrsly

Esmerelda Q. Jones, Dirty Hippie Coop