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October 19, 2017
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A high school student has ‘hours’ to live after contracting an unknown, highly aggressive STD from an apple pie baked by his Mother.

A high school student has ‘hours’ to live after contracting an unknown, highly aggressive STD from an apple pie baked by his Mother.

It is understood that the newly discovered fatal virus was passed on to the teenager when he engaged in unprotected intercourse with the pie in question. Scientists have learned that the boy, despite his appearance, was not a virgin, and are now fearful that the deadly disease described as ‘the next AIDS’ might already be spreading throughout the world.

‘Pie Zero’, is yet to be located, but could prove to be the key to synthesizing a cure for the virus. Anyone encountering the pie, which has been described as ‘damaged beyond repair’ and with ‘a hint of cinnamon’ is being encouraged to keep a safe distance away and to alert the authorities immediately.

Quite why the teenager chose to have relations with the pie is still unknown, but experts are warning anyone else planning on becoming intimate with foodstuffs to use protection or to cease completely:

Food is designed to be eaten, not ejaculated into. Fooling around with pastries may seem like a good idea, but it can often lead to immunodeficiency viruses being transmitted and then mutating with catastrophic consequences. Infected Chimpanzee meat is believed to have caused HIV as we know it, but who knows? It could have been the result of someone making sweet love to a contaminated strudel.

The teenager’s Mother is currently being questioned in an attempt to establish the ingredients as well as the conditions in which the fateful pie was created. She is said to be cooperating fully and at this moment, her intentions are not believed to be malicious.

The boy is said to ‘deeply regret’ his actions and has pleaded forgiveness for the deathly epidemic he may have unwittingly unleashed upon humanity.

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