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May 05, 2015

Jennifer Lopez And The Best And Worst Dressed From The Met Gala


Fashion is important. If people didn’t dress weird or cool or beautiful then the world would be a very boring place to walk through every day. You’d be looking at people just wearing plain blankets with armholes poked in them instead of beautiful men and women wearing shirts, pants, and dresses that fit them nicely and are both fun to look at and, yeah I’ll admit it, a little sexy. And who doesn’t like to be a little titillated while walking through the world every day?

With the importance of fashion in mind, a bunch of rich celebrities got all dressed up and went to the Met Gala last night (if you have no clue what the Met Gala is, here is the Wikipedia page that explains it). The theme for the Gala this year was “China: Through the Looking Glass,” which I’m assuming means that all the rich celebrities had to be thinking about China while they strapped on their fancy clothes or else they got disqualified or whatever.

As an amateur fashion expert, I love the Met Gala! Below is some original fashion commentary on all the big fashion choices from last night’s Met Gala.

Best Dressed


Jennifer Lopez
This is a mostly red dress that shows off Jennifer Lopez’ ass, which is kind of her thing despite being a very successful singer. I mean, you can really see a lot of her ass here. A LOT of her ass. The red design thing on the front also looks kinda like a dragon but most people won’t be able to tell because they’ll be looking at the hole in the side of the dress where you can kind of see her ass.


You can tell this one is a good dress because you can almost completely see her ass. Looking from the back I can almost see her ass and her ass crack but not totally, which is good because then it wouldn’t be a dress. It’s not technically a dress if you can see her whole ass. They made this dress by smearing some glue on Beyonce and then throwing a couple handfuls of glitter at her.


I can’t see any asses in this dress.


Katy Perry and Madonna
These two decided to just wear some old trash they found on the street, which is pretty cool and punk rock if you think about it. Once again, though, I can’t see any asses so … I don’t quite know what to say here.


Sarah Jessica Parker
Holy crap that’s a crazy hat. I love it! Signifying the heat and passion emanating from her very being, this wild hat makes no compromises. The over-the-top red-and-gray flame design seems to say, “If you can’t handle my heat, back up, buddy, ’cause I’m coming through!”

Her dress gives me no view of her ass though.


Kim Kardashian
Now we’re talking! This dress gives a little window into which an onlooker can peak in to see the wearer’s ass. Where other dresses use solid-colored fabric to cover up the ass, this dress doesn’t so that we can see part of her ass.


Lady Gaga
This dress looks like it has hair all over it.


Miley Cyrus
Dresses all start out as one big piece of fabric. The designers slowly start cutting away at it to eventually fit whoever will end up wearing it. The good dress designers cut away parts that will show off the ass. I’m talking cheeks, crack, underbum, and top crack. You can kinda maybe see a little top crack here, which makes it a good dress!


George Clooney
Boys have to wear tuxedos to these things and they all look fine or whatever. I’ve never seen a tuxedo that shows any of the man’s ass, probably because their asses are hairy.

Worst Dressed

No one! Everyone last night tried their best and in fashion that’s all that matters — getting out there and trying something new!