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Published November 22, 2011

 

I don't get to spend as much time with my father as I once did, and he's not the type to call me up just to shoot the breeze.  So when I receive calls from him, I know it's either my birthday or something has pissed him off.  Yesterday was one such day.

"Hey, Dad," I said, answering the phone.

"I just read on the internet that you're a talentless piece of shit," he said.

"What?"

"Yeah, I was on the internet trying to find that picture of you from your college baseball team where you look real skinny and gangly like a circus freak, and so I type your name in to Google and I see some comment about you that says you're a talentless piece of shit," he said.

"Why were you looking up that picture of me?"

"Cause you look funny in it and it makes me laugh.  I wanted to show your brother.  That's not my point though."

(The pic he's referring to)

 

"Doesn't it bother you that people can go on the internet and call you a talentless piece of shit, and never have to say it to your face?," he continued.

"I don't know.  Doesn't really bother me.  I got my break writing down things you say. I think just karmically speaking I deserve to hear that on occassion," I said.

"I'm not talking about you.  I'm speaking fucking globally.  If you can't handle some pissant writing something nasty about you, then I failed as a father.  What I'm trying to say is, don't it trouble you that there's a whole generation of people growing up that just say whatever the fuck they want, without any consequences?"

"I don't know, that's just the internet," I said.

"Don't you get what that means, though?"

"Not really," I replied.

"Jesus H.  You're a bright kid but you sure like to wear an asshole's costume every once in a while.  It means that the future leaders of your country, I say your 'cause I'll have long decomposed, are gonna be people that have absolutely no experience with actual confrontation.  Thirty years from now the President of the most powerful country in the world is going to be some little shit who sat at his computer and hurled insults three feet away from his mommy's tit like it was no big deal.  I don't condone fighting, but when a human being understands that his or her actions might result in a giant fist up his or her ass, he or she learns a thing or two about acting before they speak.  All I'm saying is, I'm glad I'm going to be dead.  Also, happy birthday.  That's why I called."

Justin Halpern is the author of the book "Shit My Dad Says" and, partially responsible for the TV show you most likely hated of the same name.  You can follow him at @justin_halpern on twitter.

 

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