RAPTURE OCCURS - CLAIMS IOWA MAN & ONLY 8 OTHERS
The biblical rapture occurred today, May 21st at 1:47am CST. Millions were expected to be lifted into heaven on the wings of angels but in a stunningly unexpected turn of events, it appears the number deemed worthy was less than ten.
Gunther Winston of the International Rapture Watch (IRW) has confirmed that only 2 Americans were escorted to the throne by heavenly hosts. The 2 men were identified as local Iowa man Dave Stuck and famed character actor Wallace Shawn. The other blessed children of God include 5 young children in Africa, an 87 year old nun from India, and Emma “Baby Spice” Bunton of the English girl group the Spice Girls.
2 AMERICANS SAVED
Friends say that Mr. David Stuck, a second-rate comedian, was sitting at the bar at Billy Joe’s Lounge in West Des Moines when trumpets sounded, the heavens opened up, and a choir of angels singing Hallelujah surrounded him as he was immersed in bright light. Within seconds the event was over and the only things remaining of Mr. Stuck were his clothes, shoes, and wallet. “We used his credit card to buy shots for the whole bar” a friend recounted. “We know that Dave would have wanted it that way and hey, we’re all hell-bound anyway so we really don’t care.”
Witnesses in West Covina, California reported a similar event as Wallace Shawn, Veteran actor and the voice of the animated dinosaur Rex of Toy Story, was chosen By Jehovah. Asked to comment as he was being engulfed by light, Wallace was heard to say that the experience was “Inconceivable”.
While neither man was particularly saintly, scholars point to the fact that God was evidently a fan of Mr. Shawn’s portrayal of Vizzini in The Princess Bride and that the Lord was heard to have laughed out loud at Mr. Stuck’s observational comedy routine about hanging out at Chuckie Cheese to pick up single moms.
Family Radio founder Harold Camping, who accurately forecasted the day of reckoning, commented that it was beyond belief. “Of course I’m comforted by the fact that I was right all along about the date but I’m a bit surprised that I’m still here. There has to be some kind of mistake. I mean come on, Baby Spice? Sure she was hot 10 years ago, but rapture worthy? Does anyone even remember her 2001 solo album? I don’t think so. Look, I’m 89. There’s a whole bunch of stuff I didn’t do because I was pretty sure this thing was a lock. Talk about an investment gone to shit.” Mr. Camping immediately boarded a plane for Las Vegas in his new quest to make up for lost time with tequila and whores.
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