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August 05, 2011
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Man v. Priest

Once I pulled my shit together, I decided I was ready to return to the hellhole. Upon exit, however, I grew very, very displeased. The sermon, which must have taken fucking hours, had only just ended. This meant I had to sit through more bullshit about how Jesus is better than everyone. No fucking shit! The dude walked on water. I tried once, and even I couldn't conquer the liquid beast. The preacher should just suck his dick and get it over with already. WE ARE TIRED OF HEARING YOUR SHIT!

Anyway, since I could see no way out of this mess, I devised a plan. I'm a fucking genius, so I put two and two together and realized that that now beershit filled goblet was for those suckers taking communion. Quietly, I placed the goblet back to its original place right after I jerked out some semen to cover the stench. Double the trouble.

I returned to my seat, smiling from ear-to-ear. Surprised to see me so giddy, bitch ma inquired. "I haven't seen you smile in years. What's happened?" Naturally, I humor her. "His words are so powerful, I guess I never really appreciated all that I have." On the verge of tears, she grinned and leaned over to hug me. "Bitch, get the fuck back and don't ever even think about touching me again! I'm not trying to be riddled with cunt germs." I muttered as I pushed her horrid figure away from me.
At that moment, preacher boy cracked the bread and got set to sip my concoction. He gulped, and down my bodily sewage went, ready to fuck up his day.

Immediately, he projectile vomited all over the altar. Gasps rang out as he continuously spewed my juice, covering all corners of Jesus's furniture. As for me, I kept cool and played along- looking around at all the suckers with an exasperated demeanor cemented on my face. This went on for about a minute. And once his heaving ceased, he looked up, sorrowfully peering at the ceiling and yelled, "What the fuck did I ever do to you!?" just before he collapsed in his chunky gunk.
As people ran to his aid, I sat, pleased with my work. It's amazing how a delightful experience can relieve even the most excruciating of hangovers. My headache seemed to magically disappear. And as for my stomach, lets just say I was rightfully deserved of a feast full of taco bell's grade A beef crunch wrap supremes. Needless to say, I bounced the fuck out of there. Leaving my bitch ma to clean up the mess.
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