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December 26, 2011

Danny Zuker(Writer/Executive Producer on the hit show Modern Family) told me he could use a black friend. These are a series of letters to show him exactly why I'm the only Black friend he needs.


Dear Danny Zuker,

it's been a week now since we began our journey into biracial brotherhood. So far I must say, things are progressing exactly as planned, slow and unintentionally stalker like. You can rest assured, Black guys aren't stalkers. We don't have time for it and we'd much rather wait in line for Jordans. Speaking of Jordan's, a big reason for forging this union is so that we can better  understand each other's world, so can you tell me why white guys looooove the Jordan 3? They do seem to go well with skinny jeans which is also a white guy favorite that has unfortunately bled into the Black community.

I could never wear skinny jeans because I'm a 6'7 250 pound black man, so you can only imagine the stress that would put on my stereotypical yard of manhood I'm harboring like an illegal immigrant.

Christmas was yesterday and I didn't get anything because "I'm an adult now" but I'm curious to know how Hanukkah is going for you. Do you celebrate it? Some people like my friend Lauren Greenberg aren't practicing Jews so they just pick a new thing to hate everyday for eight days. Personally, I think eight days of gifts is pretty cool but as a Black man I don't know how to go about becoming Jewish. I think Sammy Davis Jr. was jewish, which is probably what got him in the Rat Pack, but the only other Black person I would assume is Jewish is Whoopi Goldberg but I feel like she's faking it to keep from being Kicked off The View.

I'm looking forward to the next episode of Modern Family. I wonder though, the show is called Modern Family and includes a gay family, a family with an untraditional age gap, and your standard sitcom white family in the Dunphy's. But why no Black family? I mean I know realistically we would probably never live in a neighborhood that nice and the Dunphy's would just move away but I think we're pretty modern right? Black people are even getting iPads and moving away from pre-paid phones now because we can handle the bill. That's pretty modern.

I saw the Girl With The Dragon Tattoo this weekend which was really good. Some of my friends said it was a "cracker ass movie" and they were disappointed there was no Madea's Big Happy Christmas or something for them to see but I don't think they understand how David Fincher makes Tyler Perry look like a six year old with a DV Cam. Don't ever invite Madea to the Dunphy's house. Unless you want your Black viewership to increase by 8000%.

The NBA started back this week. If you're a fan maybe we could catch a game one day and I can tell you stories of my glory days. As a Jewish white man, I'm fairly certain you've never dunked a basketball but I'd be happy to teach you or at least bear false witness to you doing it. We're buddies, no one else has to know it didn't really happen. Sadly my career was cut short by knee surgery and now I'm just a 6'7 stand up comedian and writer. Being my size and not in the NBA is like being white and homeless. There's no excuse for your failure because you were born with all the necessary advantages - athletic size and ability for me and white skin for them of course.

Well Dan-Man, I'm gonna' go but I look forward to the next time we chat. I can tell 2012 is going to be a great year for new found biracial brotherhoods. This is what Martin Luther King would want. He'd be really proud of us. And that makes me happy to know I helped keep the dream alive. Until next time D-Money.


Your Black Friend.