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January 06, 2013

Ever wanted some dude to write a song about you? Be careful what you ask for.


I think at some point in everyone’s life there has been that “I wish someone would write a song for me” moment.  There are references to this everywhere in pop culture, and the movie “High Fidelity” starring eternal heart-stopper John Cusak really drove it home for a generation of vinyl junkies.
I’ve dated musicians.  I’ve even made some liner notes.  I’m pleased with that.  It makes me smile.  I count myself lucky because this marriage of love and lyric can definitely go awry, and if it did, what would I do or say?  How do you manage simultaneous appreciation and horror?  I don’t want to inspire shitty music.  What a nightmare.
If you want the song, know the man. We can’t all date that warbley-voiced, sullen dude from Bright Eyes, right?  You have to be very specific to what your wants are, otherwise you could end up on the receiving end of some real twisted shit.  The following song lyrics were most likely inspired by someone, but let’s focus on the type of person who wrote the song.
The Pussy:  Sometimes When We Touch by Dan Hill
And sometimes when we touch, the honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you till I die, till we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides
So many responses come to mind.  There’s the obligatory “You’re such a pussy!” or the slightly less damaging “Get off me, dude.”  Either way, I probably entered the relationship with the intention of hot man-on-man action, and this song is total boner repellent.  Listen, Dan Hill, I don’t know where you lost your man-balls but please locate them.  Either that or the door. 
The Self Loather:  Creep by Radiohead
But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo.
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here.
I must admit that I have quite a soft spot for this song, but as a song.  If Thom woke up one morning and was like “Babe, I wrote this for you,” I would be all “Awww, you’re so sweet Thom,” and internally I would be thinking “I wish Thom had more self esteem.”  Conversely, I would also be wondering “Shit, is Thom going to freak the fuck out and leave me because of his low self esteem bullshit?”  Come on, Thom.  Get some therapy.
The “We come From Different Worlds” Guy:  Odd Couple by Weezer
I got a PC, you got a Mac
I'm giving you flak for your AirPort
I read books and you watch TV
You wanna be free to relax more
But when I think about the other people I could see
Nobody else out there could ever make me happy
Um, thank you for not leaving me over such trivial shit, Rivers?  This is the best you could come up with?  I mean, you went to Harvard  and I went to Eastern Michigan University.  You’re like 4’ 11” and I’m 6’ 2”.  You are a world famous musician and I’m a teacher from Downriver, and you want to talk about how my Mac gives you second thoughts?  I just ended something with someone because he had to pray five times a day for a half hour, not because he bought a Kindle and I’m an iPad…
The Metaphor Guy:  Burn Bitch Burn by Kiss
Oh babe, I wanna put my log in your fireplace.
Oh brother.  Gene, you’re a true wordsmith.  Take me, Gene.  And will you please sing this at our wedding?  My mother would like to know how you really feel about me.  I can only imagine that my response to hearing this for the first time would be “Wow.  Okay. Wow.”  I’m up for a good intercourse metaphor, but good is the key word.  Any reference to a log is unforgivable.  Not to mention that I’d rather not have any part of my body compared to a fireplace.  Fireplacesburn  things that enter them, no? 
The Man of Few Words/Baby Talk Guy:  De Do Do Do De Da Da Da by The Police
De do do do, de da da da, that's all I want to say to you.
So… You’re so sweet?  I feel exactly the same way?  I’m glad we took that Community Rec. and Ed. class in Martian?  Sting, I really need you to find your words, buddy.  I have no idea what is happening up in that brain of yours. Do you want me to wear a bonnet and diaper and drink from a freakishly large bottle?  Listen, we have issues that need to be dealt with.  First of all, no one wants to have sex for 18 hours.  No one.  I have shit to do, man.  Secondly, I’m still trying to forgive you for Desert Rose.  Come to think of it, maybe I just want to date Stewart Copeland.  I do.  Sorry, Sting.
The Cheater: Escape (The Pina Colada Song) by Rupert Holmes
So I waited with high hopes, then she walked in the place.
I knew her smile in an instant, I knew the curve of her face.
It was my own lovely lady, and she said, "Oh, it's you."
And we laughed for a moment, and I said, "I never knew"
I do not find one bit of this cute, Rupert.  We put ads in NEWSPAPERS trolling for sex.  We have major issues.  I laughed because I was incredibly uncomfortable for both of us.  Well that, and I shy away from knocking motherfuckers out in public places, but rest assured that’s exactly what I wanted to do.  You are going to cheat on me and ruin my experience of cheating on you in the meantime?  No.  I’m pissed, and your hair looks like a dirty Q-Tip.  We. Are. Over.
The Straight Shooter: I Wanna F*** You by Snoop Dogg
Grab you by your coat tail take you to the motel, hoe sale,
Don't tell, won't tell...
If you pick me then ima pick on you,
d-o-double g and I'm here to put this dick on you.
Well okay, Snoop.  I appreciate your honesty.  In fact, I’m actually turned on by it.  But if you could not call me a hoe, or take me to places where hoes might congregate I would appreciate it.  And can you clarify one thing for me, Snoop?  Where should I expect you to put your dick on me?  Like my arm?  Are you just looking to rest it someplace for a spell?  More information concerning the actual locale would be much appreciated.
The Insufferable Asshole: Picture by Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow
Living my life in a slow hell.
?Different girl every night at the hotel.
Wish I had a good girl to miss me, but I wonder if I'll ever change my ways. ?
Go fuck yourself, dude.  Seriously.  You are a world class asshole.  My ONLY response to this would be “To the left, to the left.”
The Smotherer: Truly Madly Deeply by Savage Garden
I want to stand with you on a mountain.
?I want to bathe with you in the sea.
?I want to lay like this forever.
?Until the sky falls down on me.?
I can’t breathe, man.  Like, you’re all up in my bidness all day long.  If I wanted this I’d get a cat.  And you’re really gay.  Turbo gay I like to call it.  It’s too much.  Your highlights (and lowlights) bother me beyond belief.  I can’t do this.
The Soul Mate: Burrito by Pete Yorn
It's a 7-11/?Do you want to take a walk outside/ If you want a burrito?/You can have another bite of mine.
I love you from my fingertips to my toes, Mr. Yorn.  I will do everything in my power to make you happy every second of every day for the rest of our Earthly lives.  I am yours.
I hope you all get your perfect song.