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On my lunch break this afternoon, I decided to drive through Taco Bell (for a grilled chicken quesadilla, calm down, I’m not endorsing fast food, I was in a hurry) and as I approached the giant picture menu, I was unable to fully wrap my mind around what I thought I saw. For, you see, pictured above the Beef Gordita Supremes and the Taco Fresco Box Meals and the Beefy Cheesy Potato Double Flash Fried Nacho Tacos was a new menu item. A menu item so brilliant… so NECESSARY, that only in my wildest dreams would I ever be able to imagine something of this opulence to be made available for public drive-thru consumption. Upon first noticing this blessed gift obviously sent straight down from the heavens above by God himself, I was still several cars back in line, so I really had to just tell myself to take deep, deep breaths and wait until I got a little closer to be sure. As the Subaru full of office staff pulled forward to receive their Mexican fare, and the Ford Windstar, rocking back and forth with the delighted squeals of half a dozen kindergarten aged children about to lay hands on Dora the Explorer Fiesta Meals pulled up to the window, it became my turn to place an order.

I had become the chosen one.

Drive Thru Attendant: “Hi, thanks for choosing Taco Bell, how may I help you?”

Me: “Yeah, hi. I’ll take your grilled chicken case-a-dill-a, with a side of sour cream.”

Drive Thru Attendant: “The sour cream will be $0.35 extra.”

Me: “Seriously?”

Drive Thru Attendant: “Yeah.”

Me: “Wow. Ok…”

Drive Thru Attendant: “And to drink?”

The moment had come.

Me: “Um, please correct me if I’m wrong, but your menu out here says you have margaritas?”

Drive Thru Attendant: “Yes ma’am. They are new. We have traditional or strawberry.”

Me: “Ok, I just wanted to make sure I wasn’t seeing things…”

Drive Thru Attendant: “Which one do you want?”

Me: “How big can you get them?”

Drive Thru Attendant: “We carry small or large.”

Me: “And how big is a large?”

Drive Thru Attendant: “Ma’am… it’s a large cup. It is our Frutista Freeze large cup. Do you want one of those?”

Me: “Can I have two? Is it only one per customer?”

Drive Thru Attendant: “No ma’am, you can have as many as you want.”

Me: “I don’t understand how this is legal. Ok, I will take two large. I mean I have to get back to work.”

Drive Thru Attendant: “Please pull around for your total.”

I pulled forward, elated. FINALLY. WHY hadn’t society allowed this before. And HOW did Taco Bell get the green light for this project!? I was certain that this new concept in convenience mixed drinks would be fairly watered down, and they couldn’t possibly taste THAT good, but I didn’t particularly give a fuck, I was about to drink two margaritas for lunch from a drive thru fast food restaurant.

Drive Thru Attendant: “That will be $7.82?

Me: “Here you go. Can you make mine a little stronger, or do you guys like have a specific measuring thing you use?”

Drive Thru Attendant: “What?”

Me: “Like, can you put just a little more tequila in mine, or do you have to really stick to the formula or whatever?”

Drive Thru Attendant: “Are you being serious?”

Me: “What?”

Drive Thru Attendant: “Ma’am… these don’t have alcohol in them. Are you kidding me?”

Me: “WHAT!? Are you kidding ME!? Why would you call them margaritas!?”

Drive Thru Attendant: “Ma’am… they are just a new fruit drink that we are offering.”

Me: “How are these any different than your other assorted fruit drink options!?”

Drive Thru Attendant: “Ma’am, they taste like margaritas. Our smoothies and Fruitista Freezes are completely different flavors.”

Me: “You have LITERALLY ruined my life, I hope you know that. Tell your Marketing department to go to hell.”

Drive Thru Attendant: “I will do that. Thank you.”

FUCK YOU TACO BELL. FUCK YOU IN THE FACE.

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