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April 09, 2017

Avoid these statements when testifying in court.

  • “Is there a mister demeanor?”
  • “Your honor I abso-fucking-lutely committed this crime”
  • “Anyway by the time I was done the only person still breathing in that room was me. Which is impressive.”
  • “We all think about murdering people but I was the only person in this room brave enough to act on it. If that’s a crime then lock me up.”
  • “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, in five minutes you’re going to get up, walk down that hall, sit in a room, and decide if I’m innocent or guilty. That’s a huge responsibility. You’re doing a great service and I hope you make the right decision. My thoughts and prayers are with you and, as always, with Satan.”
  • “Look, when it comes down to it there are only two types of men in this world: Criminals and uh… Damn I forgot the second one… Was it chefs? Doesn’t matter. I’m the first one.”
  • “Literally ALL of my friends are in prison so the joke’s on you guys if you find me guilty.”
  • “Your honor I demand a mistrial. I was told I’d be tried by a jury of my peers and NONE of these people look like drug dealers.”
  • “You people are so concerned with looking at evidence and testimony. But I ask you to look into my heart, and tell me if it looks like it’s going to explode from all the drugs I ate when I was arrested.”
  • “Your honor I demand these charges be dropped. After I “hit” this man I did not “run” but rather “drove” away.”