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July 20, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

A flight from Honolulu to Los Angeles took off and returned to the airport twice because of an electrical odor. "Sorry, guys," said a lightning bolt sitting in coach.

MTA will begin offering the front of MetroCards to advertisers. A new source of income that should help fund the surprise fare hike next year.

In an interview, George Zimmerman, the man who murdered Trayvon Martin, said, “I feel like it was all God's plan." Which explains why God made the murder commandment so vague.

In response, Trayvon's father, Tracy Martin, said, “We must worship a different God." "Nope," said God. "Same one, I'm just a bit of a kook sometimes!"

Pitbull confirmed he's performing at a Wal-Mart in Alaska after a contest got hijacked by an Internet prank. Bringing him one step closer to getting chosen as the Republican vice presidential nominee.

Texas Gov. Rick Perry appeared to suggest Mitt Romney should release his tax returns. Perry later clarified, saying he appears to suggest a lot of things.

A former Guantanamo Bay detainee may have been responsible for the recent suicide bombing in Bulgaria. News that would cause the 169 people still in Guantanamo Bay to lose hope of leaving if they weren't already in Guantanamo Bay.

On Thursday, Russia and China vetoed UN sanctions against Syrian. Even worse, they gave each other a look like "we're gonna totally high-five later in private."

Ann Romney, defending her husband's choice not to release his tax returns, said, "We give 10 percent of our income to our church every year." In fact, the Romneys do it so frequently the Mormon Church had to come up with a name for it, tithing, and now expects everyone to do it.

Michele Bachmann's former campaign chief condemned her for accusing a Muslim aide to Hillary Clinton of working for the Muslim Brotherhood. "Do we really want to go back to a time where people are accused of being Muslim?" he asked.

Morgan Freeman donated $1 million to a super PAC that supports President Obama. Unfortunately he left it under a rock near a farm and no one can find it.

The cost of soybeans is at its highest point since 2008. Or as they're known to Taco Bell, meat.