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July 15, 2015

The Mexican drug kingpin Joaquín Guzmán Loera, commonly known as El Chapo or “Shorty”, has escaped from a Mexican prison while serving a 22-year sentence. We have a copy of his prison escape plan.

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El Chapo, staring down the hole to freedom, right before his big escape.

The Mexican drug kingpin Joaquín Guzmán Loera, commonly known as El Chapo or “Shorty,” has escaped from a Mexican prison while serving a 22-year sentence (now with video!). This isn’t the first time El Chapo has escaped. After his last escape, in 2001, El Chapo managed to evade authorities for 13 years. So, guess he must be pretty good at escaping! Here is a copy of his 10-point prison escape plan that provides his tricks of the trade.

Uno: Become El Head of El Largest Mexican Drug Ring.
This part is easy, muchachos, so I won’t even cover it here. You know what to do!

Dos: Threaten El Mexican President.
Use your $1 billion of drug cash and crew of 2,000 henchmen to threaten El Mexican President. El Mexican President is a total pussy who will be scared when someone threatens to murder him and will turn El Blind Eye to your escape.

Tres: Say goodbye to El Best Amigo.
Don’t forget to say goodbye to El Best Amigo! You’ll never see your best prison buddy again because he will be murdered by El Henchman for knowing too much about your escape. Sorry, El Best Amigo, but we’ll always have memories from El Prison Blanket Knitting Class.

Quatro: Make El Bed.
Do you want everyone to think you are a monster? Yes. But do you want them to think you are dirty? No! So make El Bed and clean up El Prison Cell before you exit.

Cinco: Use El Toilet before you escape!
Everyone forgets this one. Rookie mistakes can be the difference between a successful escape and an embarrassing urine-soaked reunion with El Family. You do not want to show up with El Pee all over El Pants.

Seis: Don’t forget El Tequila!
Life’s most celebrated moments are sad without a taste of El Tequila. I have it at all births, bar mitzvahs, executions, road trips, nature walks, executions, weddings, executions, retirement executions, and executions. Olé!

Siete: Bring El Spare Socks!
One must always protect El Feet. On my last prison break I stepped in El Puddle and ended up with El Athlete’s Foot and it still has not gone away! Ay yai yai! So itchy!

Ocho: Do NOT cover El Security Camera!
You might think you’d want to cover El Security Camera so El Guard cannot see your escape, but El Guard will be sleeping — see point Numero Dos! Do not cover it so El America can make you famous with El YouTube Video on El Internet!

Nueve: Walk through El Escape Tunnel.
Be short like me so you can fit in El Escape Tunnel! And if you cannot be short, bend over. Once in El Escape Tunnel, take frequent breaks to drink El Water and eat El Clif Bars for energy. Chocolate Almond Fudge is my favorite El Clif Bar flavor.

Diez: Kiss El Beautiful Lady at the end of El Escape Tunnel!
Celebration time, muchachos! Kiss El Beautiful Lady that El Henchmen brought to El Escape Tunnel because you haven’t seen El Beautiful Lady while being in El Prison.

El Chapo is back in El Murder Business, El Bitches!