Hey Funny Or Die News team,
Nate Dern here, FOD News Editor. This is just a quick teamwide memo to let everyone know about a new policy:
No more Joe Biden jokes.
This policy is effective immediately. And no, it has nothing to do with the fact that I recently had my photo taken with Vice President Joe Biden. I’ve called most (or all) of you into my office to take a look at the photo, which is now framed above my desk, but as a reference I’ll just post it again here:
So, if the photo isn’t the reason, why the new policy? Well, it is also not because at the photo event above I got the chance to share a few words with Vice President Biden and in those few moments we shared I was inspired, so inspired that it made me question my jaded little comedy heart straight to its core. Did you know that he became a U.S. Senator in 1973? And that in all of these decades of his dedicated service in the quagmire of D.C. politics he still believes in the power of democracy to make the world a better place? I mean, it’s like, if he is still genuinely optimistic, what business do I have making snarky little internet pieces based on what’s trending on Facebook?
Anyway, no, that’s not why. Is it because of his incredible handshake? Guys, this handshake. I can’t describe it. It was strong without being aggressive, firm without being overbearing. I can say without any hyperbole that it was the Platonic form of what a handshake should be. And when he shook my hand, he looked me straight in the eyes, and even though I was one of dozens of people in that meet-and-greet line, I could tell he was being completely genuine with me.
But the handshake wasn’t why either. Was it the words we exchanged? In case you don’t remember what we said to each other from when I recounted the conversation at our impromptu Nate Met Biden Recap Meeting earlier today, I will recount it again here:
Nate: I liked what you said in your speech about being optimistic.
Vice President Joe Biden: Well, you have to be optimistic in this line of work.
Nate: [incoherent affirmative mumblings of affirmation]
Vice President Joe Biden: Good luck to you. Keep up the good work over there.
That conversation isn’t why either, although I think you’d have to admit that if a person had a conversation like that with a living Vice President of the United States of America it would be reason enough for that person to make some major changes in his/her life.
And look, I’m not saying that we need to go back and remove the Joe Biden jokes we’ve made in the past. Although quite frankly, all of those so called “gaffes” were really just evidence of one of the few politicians left who we can always count on to speak from a place of honesty, and so why we as the news media would decide to lampoon him for that trait, rather than the more appropriate response of celebrate him for that, is beyond me.
But I digress.
The reason why we can’t make any more Joe Biden jokes is because I love him. Okay? There. I said it. Not in a romantic way, but in a “loving him gives me hope, it gives me a reason to carry on in the face of so much ignorance and hatred blasted at us in the news every day” way.
Thank you all for understanding and for complying with this new policy.
May we all aspire to write comedy pieces of the caliber fitting for a country who has Joe Biden as Vice President.
ps - reminder: you each need to submit 15 new Star Wars movie subtitle puns before you leave tonight