In yet another shocking turn of events in the ongoing Anthony Weiner Twitter scandal, the congressman’s penis has come forward to take responsibility for the risqué messages.
“I can say, with certitude, that I sent those pictures, and they most certainly were of my plentitude, dude,” said the representative’s (D – N.Y.) phallus.
When pressed as to why he would risk his “owner’s” political career, reputation, and worse yet, his marriage, the democrat’s dong replied with a seemingly angry mission statement. “First off, he doesn’t ‘own’ me. Nobody ‘owns’ me, let’s get that straight right now. I’m a wild son of a bitch; a rootin’ tootin’ cowboy. I can’t be restrained, no matter how tight or how grey or how cottony a prison you put me in. That’s exactly what he was trying to do, and I broke free. Whether you agree or not, you at least have to admit that freedom looks good on me.”
He continued, “This man was in a position of power. He could have anything and anyone he wants, and what is he going to use it for? Medicare? Cigarette Trafficking? Pulling out of Iraq? Are you fucking kidding me? What about pulling out of some hot ass and straight painting that shit?!”
“I apologize for that outburst. I just got tired of being tied down to a man who wasn’t going to use his God given gifts to his advantage. All those hungry fish in the sea, and he refused to toss his hook in the water. He certainly thought about it – often – but he never acted upon it. So, I took matters into my hands; well, I guess the closest thing I have to hands are balls, even though they don’t have any fingers. All he did was masturbate to the idea. He jacked me, I hacked him.”
Ignoring follow-up question as to how he was able to type due the aforementioned lack of fingers, he went on to explain that he meant no one harm. “Look, I wasn’t trying to hurt anybody, unless of course you’re talking about being sore the next morning. Booyah! I just wanted some action, man. Can you blame me?”
“It’s hard – just like me, plug – to see a computer monitor from such a low angle, and that’s how I mistakenly posted it to the public. I deleted it immediately, but I knew it was already too late. Things were going downhill from there, especially when Anthony continued thinking with his brain instead of me.”
On the issue of Rep. Weiner’s attempted cover-up, the Member of the House’s member came to his defense. “He wasn’t technically lying, you know. Sure, he knew who did it, but at the end of the day, he actually was hacked. It’s obvious he wasn’t the one in charge of this operation. Ginger Lee is a retired porn star, so who wouldn’t take a shot at that; Meagan Broussard was a good find; but have you seen Lisa Weiss? Who in their right mind would do that? No one, that’s who. I’m a pussy hound and I can’t help myself. Of course I’m the culprit.”
“Instead of vilifying him, people should be commending his loyalty. He could have ratted me out in the very beginning, but he didn’t. That is exactly the type of person you want in your government – someone who will say anything, no matter how ridiculous it may sound, to get the job done. I love the guy, but let’s be honest, his excuses were laughably unbelievable. You don’t know if that picture was me or not? Bitch please! You could never forget this! But, he stood by me, and for that I will be forever grateful.”
“He and I may disagree on things from time to time, but when it comes down to it, he’s my brother from another mother that’s actually the same mother even though we’re not brothers, and I will never turn my sac on him. Go ahead and try to impeach him; I’ll perform the longest filibuster in history. Emphasis on ‘longest,’ and I’ll put both the ‘fill’ and the ‘(nut)buster’ in ‘filibuster.’ Even if you do get him thrown out of office, we’ll just go work for Freaks of Cock, which is where I belong, anyway.”
Even with such a passionate defense, a throbbing pulse of remorse does course through his veins, though he is adamant this will prove to be a minor infraction. “Everything will be back to normal before you know it. None of this is that bad. It’s not like Huma [Mr. Weiner’s wife] has cancer or anything. You’d have to be a real asshole to do something like that.”
While Weiner is being attacked by all sides – Republicans, Democrats, and the media a like – the target’s tool’s parting defense was addressed to a small section of his detractors. “To all the people making their little ‘wiener’ jokes – ha ha, very original. I’ll have you know that his family’s last name wasn’t even Weiner to begin with. When he was born, the doctor forced them to legally change their last name after he got a look at me. Tony came out head first, if you know what I mean.”
(This version CORRECTS “pussy hound” previously stated as “cunt capturer” in 8th paragraph.)