Before we even get started with this installment of Unnecessary Tribute, let me be honest. This one is far more unnecessary than most. Why? Well, because you already know Michael Keaton IS the best. In fact, it pains me to think that you might even consider the notion that someone else is the best. Mostly, because … I mean, who? Tom Hanks? Yeah, but really, no. President Barack Obama? He's good, sure. But is he "Michael Keaton" good? No way, José. Spongebob Squarepants? Sorry, fictional characters don't count, but nice try.
So what makes Michael Keaton so great exactly? In short, everything. Even at his worst, you're still left thinking, "Damn, this guy's the best." Which is really saying something, considering he's from Pittsburgh.
Did you know he plays the villiain in the upcoming Robocop film? You should, ya dummy!
After playing the entrepreneurial-character Bill Blazejowski in 1982's Night Shift, Keaton had this to say:
- “The character I invented was a combination of some people I knew and some things I made up, and afterward there [were other projects and offers] that would have meant trying to repeat that over and over, to be the ‘glib young man,’ whatever that is, but that held no interest for me. I literally thought the idea of all this, when you do it for a living, is to play a lot of different things. If you do the same thing over and over, that will eventually start to close in on you.”
For those of you who hate reading quotes, (why would that be a thing?), basically he said, and I'm paraphrasing so please continue reading, "Every role I take will be different from the last and I will fucking kill it in all of them and America will love me forever, despite the fact that I'm from Pittsburgh."
And they were and he did.
So really, that's all you need to know. MICHAEL KEATON IS THE BEST. If you need further reminding, keep reading. But if you're blindly willing to take statements as fact, you've got all the information you need, so you can feel free about going on with your day. Thank you for your time.
For the rest of you, here are 12 Carefully Selected Moments from Michael Keaton's Career Aimed to Remind You That He's the Best.
1. I'M BATMAN, YOU IDIOT
Michael Keaton wasn't actually surprised when he first heard he was being considered for the role of Batman. "I'm like a sexier version of Adam West," he probably thought to himself. But actually, Tim Burton had set his sights on Keaton as the Dark Knight because he thought he was the only actor who could portray someone with such a "darkly obsessive personality" as the Caped Crusader. (And probably because Johnny Depp was only 25 at the time.)
There have been Batmans before and after Michael Keaton. But none of them are, what's the word? Oh yeah, the best.
For further proof, try and add up how much swag is in this one photo alone. Case closed. Michael Keaton is the best.
2. LATE NIGHT WITH MICHAEL KEATON
Night Shift (1982)
We mentioned it earlier, but 1982's Night Shift is Keaton at his best. It also happens to be his first starring role, so right away you know this guy has just always been the best. In the film, Keaton and Henry Winkler run a prostitution ring out of a morgue. Hey wait, where did you go? Come back, you can watch it later.
Here's a clip from the film, that I've watched no less than 25 times in the last 2 days. It's unbelievably funny and showcases a true talent Keaton has for giving talks in front of large groups of people. Something we'll see again later on. What's another word for best? Goodest? Nope. Eh, I'll keep thinking on that. But watch this.
3. THE LADY OF THE HOUSE
Mr. Mom (1983)
Look, I don't know if this movie holds up. I'm going to assume it does, but also acknowledge that if it were remade today, it would star a lesser actor like wrestler John Cena or Academy Award winner Adrian Brody and be shockingly terrible. Fortunately, that hasn't been done yet and, as we've mentioned, Michael Keaton is the best.
This is one of the first movies I can remember watching and as a kid, I remember thinking, "My mom is a woman. How funny is it that they would make a man do a bunch things she typically does?" And now that I think about it, it's still a pretty strong premise. Great for kids from 1 to 92. Or maybe just 1 to 9, not sure, honestly, I'd have to revisit the film, as I said earlier. Get off my back, won't ya?
But yeah, in this hilarious clip, Keaton's character "Mr. Mom" goes to the grocery store? Do things go smoothly? Well, I won't spoil it, but no, no they don't.
4. INFINITE KEATONS
What's the only thing better than Michael Keaton? MORE MICHAEL KEATONS!
In this clip, Keaton shows his range by playing a normal person, two slightly different normal people, and a person who shaves his tongue with a razor. It's better than everything else!
5. BETELGEUSE! BETELGEUSE! BETELGEUSE!
If this list were a baseball lineup, this is a bases-clearing Grand Slam. Nothing else needs to be said. Now please enjoy several GIFs from the film.
6. I PROMISED MYSELF I WOULDN'T CRY
My Life (1993)
In My Life, Michael Keaton plays a terminally ill man who is preparing for his death. He spends the film making a series of videos for his yet unborn son. Oh man, I'm honestly tearing up a bit just thinking about it. (Come on man, get it together!)
At no point in the movie will you want to shout at the screen, "HEY, BECOME BATMAN ALREADY!" Haha … That's funny, right???? Oh man, I'm really crying here. I don't want to pretend that Michael Keaton is someone who can die. And for that, this movie is the worst. Scratch it from the list.
6(2). JOHNNY PELIGROSO
Johnny Dangerously (1984)
We've all seen this movie, right? It's wonderful. TBS. Very Funny, right?
Good. Let's see a quick GIF before I tear up again.
Yeah, that's better. Moving on.
7. I REFUSE TO SIT DOWN
Did you know Michael Keaton was a standup comedian? What's that? Oh, you assumed he did because I already mentioned he's the best and therefore he's done a million cool things? Cool. You guys are smarter than I've been giving you credit for.
Point is, his Bazooka Joe bit in this clip deserves it's own Indie film. (Starts around 2:40)
8. NIPPING AT YOUR NOSE
Jack Frost (1998)
Michael Keaton was serious when he said each role he takes would be different than the last, which eventually lead to him starring as a snowman in this LIVE ACTION MOVIE. The tagline for Jack Frost goes "Jack Frost is getting a second to the be world's coolest dad … if he doesn't melt first."
HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!! Man oh man, if you don't think that's the funniest moment in Michael Keaton's whole career than you and I can't be friends.
But seriously, here's most critics review of the film.
9. BED, BATH AND BEYOND HILARIOUS
The Other Guys (2010)
Back during the Night Shift portion of this list, I talked about how great Michael Keaton was in workplace scenes. Here's a behind the scenes clip from wherein Keaton's police officer character conducts a meeting at his second job at as a manager of Bed, Bath and Beyond.
If you're someone who skips over the YouTube clips, DON'T. Michael Keaton is the best. I might get that tattooed on my body somewhere, like as a mantra.
10. THE RETURN
Batman Returns (1992)
11. WILL YOU MARY ME?
In 1978, TV legend Mary Tyler Moore was itching to do her own variety show just as everyone in America was growing absolutely sick of variety shows. So, Mary, unfortunately(?) didn't last long.
Nevertheless, it certainly tried. Just check out this all-star lineup she put together in the hopes of making her dream a reality.
Now, "with a little luck," we'll eventually get a reunion show, because who doesn't want to see more of Batman dancing with David Letterman, co-star of the movie Cabin Boy.
12. THE MODERN AGE
Lest ye think Michael Keaton's entire career is behind him, his role as Joe Stump in 2013's Clear History certainly proved otherwise.
So yeah, here's six minutes of scenes wherein he smokes a pipe ... because the internet. You'll know which character is his, because you'll think, "Is that Michael Keaton?" Also, because he's smoking a pipe and I just said … never mind. Enjoy!
And that does it for today's Unnecessary Tribute. If you take away anything from today's lesson, be it this: Michael Keaton is the best.
Join us next time when we'll discuss how the Mr. Bean film mirrors the War in Afghanistan.
BYE FOR NOW! MICHAEL KEATON'S THE BEST!