Penthouse magazine has announced plans to keep its print magazine in production while also revamping its online site in an effort to remain in business. Kelly Holland, a managing director at Penthouse Entertainment, put it this way:
— Kelly Holland, Penthouse
“There’s gravitas about the print page that you can’t replace.”
Below, we take a look at Penthouse covers over the years and rank them on their inherent gravitas.
The definition of “gravitas” is “importance, dignity, seriousness, or solemnity of manner.” A furry orange bikini, a bright blue cowboy hat, and an intense smile does not gravitas make! This is Penthouse! Please, take it seriously, woman!
Gravitas rating: 0/10
This cover has a ton of gravitas. If it’s opposite day! This gal is smiling too much, and she looks way too interested in those fluffy sheets — a classic anti-gravitas move if there ever was one. Plus, no one with an ounce of dignity would get into bed with a pair of dirty shoes on.
Gravitas rating: 1/10
Everyone knows that serious people don’t have time to play sports, especially a dumb game like soccer.
Gravitas rating: 2/10
The number one rule to achieving gravitas is to remove your jaunty hat when you’re indoors. No one takes a person who is wearing a hat indoors (a.k.a., an “indoor hat”) seriously. That quirky little smile and the ball of hair in her hand aren’t helping matters either.
Gravitas rating: 3/10
Anyone who falls asleep in the middle of important matters isn’t taking things seriously enough.
Gravitas rating: 4/10
Does this cover exude gravitas? This fine woman’s blank stare says yes. The weird placement of her non-existent nipples says YES! But the Elvis-weird-illegal-alien headline says no no no no no!
Gravitas rating: 5/10
Now this is more like it. Good job! This lady is solemnly trying to push her boobs together, despite it clearly causing her massive pain. Added bonus, the wetness effect implies that someone was crying. A very solemn affair indeed!
Gravitas rating: 6/10
Wow! Talk about gravitas! Is this woman in the U.S. Navy? Probably! And who better to represent our military’s important and serious work than Penthouse?
Gravitas rating: 7/10
SO! MUCH! GRAVITAS! This lady gets how solemn Penthouse is. She’s dressed in black, like she’s on her way to a funeral. She can’t sit up straight and slumps against a wall because she’s so solemn and bummed out. Who knew that someone so pretty could be so sad to be featured on the cover of a magazine. She’s got the weight of the world on her.
Gravitas rating: 8/10
You know what they say: high collar, even higher gravitas.
Gravitas rating: 9/10
This one has gravi-ta-tas!
Gravitas rating: 10/10