Previously on The Most Ridiculous Things From Last Night’s The Walking Dead…

1) Daryl Dixon Riding The Loudest Motorcycle On Earth While Being Hunted By Negan’s Crew

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Daryl’s not about to let something trivial like being hunted by Negan’s crew stop him from riding the loudest motorcycle of all time alongside a fleet of perfectly good vehicles that could transport him in a less conspicuous manner. Because he’s a bad boy and he plays by his own rules. Rule number 1? There are no rules. Rule number 2? Just kidding about the no rules thing, always ride a motorcycle. Rule number 3 is have fun and try your best.

2) Zombies Of The Caribbean

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These ocean zombies were super gross! I’ve seen every episode of this show, and I appreciate every time they find new ways to make these zombies gross as hell. Next week one of the zombies is going to try to tell you about a dream they had last month. The dream is super boring and has nothing to do with you AHHHHHH GOD TOO GROSS AND SCARY!

3) Real Tarp Shit

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Maggie, I’m going to need you to explain tarp farming a few more times because I have no idea what the hell you just said. Deputy Man Bun seemed lost, too. I know you’re fired up about your plan for 40 years of blueberry pancakes, but when one of these clueless idiots directly asks for help you should probably assist them. Otherwise you’re going to come back in 12 minutes and find this guy suffocated to death under a tarp. I wouldn’t be surprised if he manages to take a couple of women and children with him in the process.

4) Dave Crossed A Line When He Didn’t Introduce Himself As Negan (And Also Because He Tried To Rape Sasha)

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Let me be abundantly clear that creepy guy with rope is NOT my new favorite character. Nothing good ever happens after a dude like this rubs your arm and says you’re pretty. The next thing that goes down is never a delivery order of chicken fingers and chocolate milkshakes followed by watching Robocop on beanbag chairs. You want her to tell you how thirsty she is, Dave? Pretty clear Dave is the thirsty one in the room. Basically the thirstiest. Thirteen going on thirsty. I’m glad he got stabbed in the neck, but Negan showing up to tell Sasha she has a beautiful name, and beginning the process of psychological imprisonment by way of a new t-shirt, is only half a click less despicable on the rapey scale.

5) Negan Said “Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts” & “Rapey Davey” Two Times Each In One Scene

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Negan managed to use the phrases “beach ball sized lady nuts” and “Rapey Davey” two times each in one scene. We have officially reached peak Negan dialogue. Did Sasha just refer to Rick Grimes as Negan’s bitch?!? I am outraged! I’m outraged by how fully accurate and not at all wrong she is about that very factual statement. You better listen to Leanin’ Negan, Sash. The Saviors aren’t monsters! They’re just out here trying to make the best of a bad situation and harness a little nut heat. So I guess they’re talent agents? OK, I take it back, they’re monsters.

6) Maggie’s Killing For Two

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So thoughtful of Gregory to leave his fortified walls for a casual chat with Maggie while she’s working about his preferences for greenery and salads. Maybe you should smoke a kush salad, Greg. Chill out, you blazer-wearing narc.

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“Where are your friends toniiiiight?”

Seriously? Where are YOUR friends, G Man? Because I have never seen them and everyone hates you. I mentioned this before, but Gregory is Trump. He repealed the healthcare system at Hilltop and promised to replace it quickly with something better but clearly has no plan and would rather be golfing right now.

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I’ve goofed on the music a lot this season, but I really enjoyed the “Should I stab a pregnant woman in the head while she’s gardening?” music. It really made me feel like I was right there, deciding whether or not to stab a pregnant woman in the head while she gardens. Oh, look! A lone zombie moving at 1 mile per hour. Here’s a very easy opportunity for Gregory to show his worth, let’s see how quickly he fucks it up.

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“I got this.”

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“I need an adult.”

Wow! He really fucked that up pretty quick, kind of impressive when you think about how swiftly and thoroughly he was able to blow it. How, exactly, did Gregory’s lying bitch ass get this far without killing a SINGLE walker? Did he tell folks that he killed a zombie, but it was at zombie summer camp, and the zombie goes to another school, and they definitely don’t know the zombie? Oh, the zombie actually lives in Canada? WHAT WAS THE ZOMBIE’S HAR COLOR, GREG?!? BECAUSE IF THE ZOMBIE REALLY EXISTS, YOU WOULDN’T BE TAKING SO LONG TO “REMEMBER” THE ZOMBIE’S HAIR COLOR.

7) Tara Saying She Didn’t Have A Choice When She Very Much Had A Choice

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Tara, you totally had a choice on whether or not to rat out the nice woods women who spared your life. You chose to go back on your promise and steal their shit. I know The Saviors killed your friends, and your girlfriend, and half of your cat statues belong to Negan now, and you’ve barely got enough helium back at Alexandria for the Summer Solstice party balloons, but please cut the nonsense with these alternative zombie facts and own up to the reality that you’re currently in the middle of an armed robbery.

8) Daryl’s Bandana Twirl

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Daryl’s bandana twirl was fun! He should twirl bandanas more often. I like how one of the signals is twirl a bandana and the other signal is explode half of the forest. There’s got to be some kind of happy medium as far as signals go. They probably should’ve extended the signal meeting another 15 minutes to sort that out.

9) Rick Grimes Screaming An Incoherent Speech About Peaceful Cooperation At Gunpoint After Blowing Up Half The Forest With Dynamite

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“LISTEN UP, Y’ALL! RICKY G ON THE MIC. I KNOW WE MADE A LITTLE RACKET IN THE WOODS JUST NOW. DID I BLOW UP YOUR TREES WITH DYNAMITE? I MEAN, HONESTLY, WHO CAN SAY FOR SURE. IT ALL HAPPENED SO FAST. BUT THIS ISN’T ABOUT THAT. THAT? WELL, THAT WAS THEN. THIS? THIS IS NOW. THIS IS ABOUT WHAT YOU HAVE. WHAT WE NEED. STUFF. ALSO THINGS. WHO’S WITH ME?!?” Great speech, Rick. Really inspiring. Take my guns, please.

10) Rachel Kicked This Zombie In The Zombie Balls

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It’s always the smallest one in the group that you least expect that you need to keep your eye on. They’ve got the most to prove and will therefore do the craziest shit, like kick a zombie square in the zombie balls. Rachel’s had three minutes of screen time this season and has already proven to be substantially more useful than Gregory. I guess that’s not saying much. Lori driving a car blindfolded in the rain would be more useful than Gregory.

11) Sasha And Negan Both Can’t Win

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I don’t know what kind of win/win Negan is hoping for here with Sasha. It’s not a youth soccer league, Negan! Everyone can’t get a trophy. And it’s not Dave & Buster’s, Sasha! Where even if you don’t win anything tangible, the experience in and of itself with people you care about is enough to make you feel like you put a W on the board that day. I guess the only answer here is baby steps. Hey, remember when What About Bob? did baby steps?

What About Bob? is one of my favorite comedies about mental illness and this show should do What About Bob? stuff more often! Wait, they blew up a forest in this episode and that also happens in What About Bob? maybe pump the brakes on the Bob nods.

12) Mirror Mirror On The Desk, Which Alcoholic Leader Is A Mess?

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I’ve got a great feeling about Gregory’s secret map quest! Because yelling for someone from behind a closed door while pouring brown liquor for yourself has always turned out great for all parties involved.

13) Sasha’s Smile Was So Creepy, Eugene Should’ve Been Able To Hear It Through The Door

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Even through the door you can hear how creepy that smile is. I think you’re going to fit in great with the Saviors, Sasha. You’re already doing incredibly disturbing shit in a dimly lit jail cell, you’re practically one of the gang.

14) Rick’s Crew Has Become Just As Bad As Negan

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I know Rick’s crew didn’t kill anyone, but they totally could’ve with their forest explosions and they still completely stole all of the gals’ weapons. They’ve become just as bad as Negan in their pursuit to stop him. Also, they just attracted a herd of pirate zombies with those explosions. Who knows what visitors, living or dead, they invited with all the ensuing assault rifle fire. And now these ladies have zero weapons to defend themselves and they’re kicking zombies in the zombie balls and punching their grandmas in their grandma grills. I take it back, Rick’s crew is officially worse than Negan.

15) Euganasia

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Tough break, Sasha. You tried to get yourself some kind of weapon and wound up with one capsule of Eugene’s homemade suicide molly. Drugs are scary, but you got this from a friend so it’s probably fine. Take it, and if you still feel fine in an hour you’re probably OK to take another one. Drink lots of water! But most importantly just have fun and try your best.

16) Dwight’s Shrewd

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So it would appear Dwight surrendered himself to Alexandria, presumably to take down Negan. But not before Rick makes him get on his knees, presumably to put a gun in his mouth so he can tell him to, “SUCK IT LIKE A DIIIIIIIIICK.” As has been EXTENSIVELY covered in these recaps, I have a lot of great ideas for this show and most of them involve putting a gun in someone’s mouth and telling them to suck it like a diiiick. And it looks like it might finally be happening! What a time to be alive. TUNE IN NEXT WEEK! Will Daryl punch Dwight? Not if a 90 pound girl holding him back with two fingers has anything to say about it. Will Eugene realize where his allegiance truly lies? Absolutely. He is Grimbly Grunk now. He’s always been Grimbly Grunk. Will Carl ever get better at talking to Enid? No. No he will not. He will grow a new eye before he gets better at talking to Enid. NONE OF THIS AND MORE on the S07E16 season seven finale of The Walking Dead!

(Oh yeah, I finally had lunch with my friend Katie Danza)

The “Will I EVER have lunch with my friend Katie Danza???” storyline that began in these recaps last year when Dwight was watching a ‘Who’s The Boss?’ episode and kept sporadically popping up as you guys asked for updates in the comments (I read every single comment) has finally been resolved! I had lunch last week with my friend Katie Danza, it was wonderful. Here’s a picture of the two of us having lunch while I hold up a copy of that day’s LA Times so you know it’s legit.

See you guys next week!

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