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Welcome to The Facebook Friends of Shame. It’s time to delete another ten friends. I’ve already been through three rounds of this. After round four I think people are going to turn on me. I sense the onslaught of hatred. Don’t be mad folks, just remember, I’m like the Al Sharpton of Facebook etiquette. I speak for a certain group of people, but in reality a large number of those people consider me a dumbass. Let’s begin.

  • Mandy Thompson when I find out which one of you a-holes charged drinks at the hotel bar to my room I am going to hunt you down and beat the $28 out of you
Reason for deletion: Stole her money

Oops. Didn’t realize we were Facebook friends. This was the easiest deletion I’ve ever made. But honestly Mandy, how could I not charge drinks? They had dollar Natty. I was on a roll in arcade bowling. The bartender made eye contact with me. I was in the zone.

  • Yosimply Sam Harvey Line r open 1800-niggawhat and if no one picks up niggawhat
Reason for deletion: Made me racist

Sam I really enjoyed this status update. My favorite parts were “1-800-niggawhat” and “nigga what.” But now you’re making me say nigga too much, so I have to delete you. Goodbye Yosimply. You know the number to call me. 1800-crackawhat


  • Meghen Hepe sometimes i feel like im still in high school... ANNOYED!
Reason for deletion: Sexual tension, third cousin

Meghen, you’re my third cousin. I’ve only met you once. But your creepy third cousin is here to let you know that I am rooting for you during your transition from adolescence to womanhood. Although this is a bit uncomfortable for me because you are an attractive young woman, just remember that your creepy third cousin knows that you will be okay. I’ll add you back as a friend when you turn 22. Then there will be less third cousin sexual tension and I won’t feel as guilty when I poke you. Oh god. I think I just became aroused by your profile picture. I feel shame. Must. Delete. Now.


  • Andrew Tomaselli o\0\k so\0 ]'m`yp ke`yppgb5o\0ard =i]9s all f-u[8ked-u[8`p7/!??
Andrew, please. I'm not reading that.

  • Robert James Dog training tip of the day do nt allow ur pup access 2food n water allday alot times n which u feed ur pup this will cut dwn on accidents
Reason for deletion: Hates animals

Thank you Robert James for explaining how to torture a dog. How many days will you be providing dog training tips? Tomorrow, will you tell us how to drown a dog in the bathtub? I bet it’d look something like this:

Robert James Dog training tip of the day do nt allow ur pup access to air allday a lot times n which u let ur pup get oxygen this will cut down on him not breathing

I hope you don’t charge too much for your training, Robert. If you do though, let me know because I would make a great dog trainer. “Don’t worry ma’am, your dog isn’t gonna shit for weeks.” Sounds fun, but I’m on PETA’s side this time. Robert, you’re deleted until you stop starving puppies.

(Don’t get too upset about this deletion, it’s not like I’m sending you to federal prison and killing all of your sponsors.)
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  • Renee Dickey hanging out with steve mabie ill get lucky tonight lol
Reason for deletion: Having sex and I’m not

You're having sex tonight Renee, just admit it. Next time just change your post to “humpin Steve” and then I will click the like this button so the little thumb appears. Maybe you can use the little thumb when Steve gets tired. Or maybe Steve can use it. Let me know what he says through Twitter or something, because you’re deleted.

  • Lauren Bishop having a pretty good week with silence
Reason for deletion: Hates the world

You’re having a good week with silence, eh Lauren? Good for you Emily Dickinson. Listen, if you’re going to be a recluse, at least leave us some poems that will benefit society after you die. Otherwise give me a better status update from the depths of your loneliness. Reach down deep and find out why exactly you hate people.  That’s exactly what I’m doing here. You’re gone.

  • Megan Westphal For all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these, 'It might have been."
Reason for deletion: Poem made me depressed, confused about life

Lovely poem Megan. You know what I always look for in a poem? I look for that poem to ruin my morning. Because that’s what happened when I read yours. Your poem demoralized me for a good solid 30 minutes. After that I played the computer in 3D chess beginner level and got check mated in eight moves. That was also demoralizing, but at least I didn’t vomit in the trash can like I did when I read your status update.

  • Bert Tipton Great googly muggly!
Bert, this is especially fun for me, because great googly muggly do I hate you. Your status updates give me the healthy dosage of disgust that I need to start my day. I keep you on my news feed so I can hate you properly. Now that I’m deleting you, who will I replace you with? Is Bin Laden on Facebook? I don’t know what to do with myself. I guess I’ll have to find a new nemesis. And they’ll have to be on the next Facebook Friends of Shame.

Enjoy your deletions, friends.


Editors note: To reach the number of ten deletions, Bert Tipton was deleted twice?.
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