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November 28, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

GOP lawmakers say they still have concerns about Ambassador Susan Rice becoming secretary of state after meeting with her. Particularly confusing was that she had no facial hair, an oddly bulgy chest, and wore a "skirt."

Naked protesters demonstrated inside House Speaker John Boehner's office over possible cuts to HIV/AIDS funding. Protesters left unhappy since not once did they actually see even a hint of Boehner.

Lady Gaga told Lindsay Lohan, "You did a beautiful job on 'Liz & Dick'." Causing Lindsay Lohan to wonder if she wasn't the drunk one for once.

Apple fired the manager responsible for the company's much criticized map software. They pointed to the door but he ended up in Seattle.

The FDA shut down a peanut butter factory in the wake of a salmonella recall. They even found chocolate in the some of the vats, but realized the combination might just work. 

Yassir Arafat's corpse is undergoing tests to determine if he was actually poisoned. Already doctors have determined he is in fact dead.

Consumer confidence in the economy appears to be at its highest point in four and a half years. Consumers are particularly confident they can't afford to consume anything. 

Following a successful Black Friday, online retailers reported having the best Cyber Monday yet. Impressive since its name can in no way be used to denigrate African-Americans.

Nintendo says it will be releasing a Wii mini but only in Canada. Said America, "I hate you, Nintendo! I hate you!"

A third person has accused Elmo puppeteer Kevin Clash of having sex with him while underage. Lawyers are unsure how to ask where Clash touched him since, you know, you can't use a puppet.

The NYPD is reportedly maintaining a large, searchable database of telephone logs. To be fair, 9/11.