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December 17, 2008


"and so this is Christmas,"and as usual this nearly vegan is again strapped with shopping and cooking the holiday dinners for all. As usual I drag my feet until the bitter end since I abhor the meat and poultry section at the local supermarket. I won't consider any bird without the free range and humanely farmed seal of approval. Upon arrival at the store late in the evening I notice that few creatures with wings are left unless of course you want to count the flight attendant in the produce isle. Shielding my eyes I quickly dart past the bloody body parts to the green section. As I reach for the last free range turkey on the shelf and possibly in S.C. so does a rather countrified woman that turns to me in annoyance and says " I don't cotton to you trying to lift that last somewhat happy dead bird out from under me!" "Cotton,"I ask, you mean if I were to let you have that last turkey you would then go outside and immediately plant cotton? She retorts "don't be a city-ditty,fool you need a hough for that." Quickly,I command isle 8, purple mini,orange halter,yellow fishnets, lets go!" I notice that she isn't moving, she's not by my side she is gone, and so is the turkey which ironically makes me so happy because now I get to use my pricey pie mold that looks like a turkey but I use tofu, portebello mushrooms, nuts etc., you get the picture. As I finish at the checkout line the friendly cashier says "comeback," so I say "no, say it like this- comeback,comeback," then I stuck a whistle in her mouth and threw some Dasani on her. I had her best interests at heart, I so thought she was rehearsing for a part in the remake of the "Titanic" maybe a community theater thing or such but the security camera tape showed a different interpretation and I got in trouble for it, rediculous! Anyway I then left and as always got my cat food ready to feed the stray but neutered parking lot cat life. I had two cans in hand ready to open when another security person startles me and says"hey, you can't feed those cats here," as littering is quite a problem here I assume that the shopping center had to let the clean up crew go, for financial reasons and answer "why, can't you afford clean up, is the economy that bad?" And as though divine intervention was taking place, or maybe he thought those cat food cans were grenades he disappears. After feeding my hungry, loyal fans I get into my car to leave and as I pull out onto the main road why I notice a new store getting ready to open. The only thing more gutzy than that is the name that the people on the scaffolding are putting up,"the Country Store!" I realize that I must promptly stop a crime before it happens in our holier than thou community. I yell up to the sign installers," hey,ya'll; come down here right now" and they do. "Look at that sign, folks do you have any idea what could happen should that "O" fall off? You all and the owner could be charged with obscenity or at the very least cause a twenty car pile up, hey, I'm doing you a big favor, it's all about the "O" people, use some "Krazyglue,"or something, o.k? So then I go to this clothing store and notice a woman once inside the store standing beside me you know, with the famous hairdo, w. the bump so I say "nice hairdo, there's nothing in there that I need to worry about, right I mean it's alright for me to stand next to you, right? She laughs and says sure. So then I say "you know, I think Palin is part conehead, and you know her husband is part eskimo,why I bet they're back home in Wasilla right now having a romantic evening,"she chuckles and I continue, why I'll bet they are out "clubbing"--- baby seals right now. "Miss,Ms. where ya going? Some peopleĀ  have no sense of humor. As I'm walking to my car in the parking lot someone jumps me and shoves a whistle in my mouth, this does not bother me in the least, I simply reflect upon the fact that I've always been a trend setter and time is just passing quicker nowadays. Speaking of time, I better go get a late night snack before they role up the sidewalk. I go to a restaurant next door and sit down. Evidently the elderly man with his wife across the isle is hard of hearing since I and everyone else can hear every word he says. He then asks his young waiter for "tap"water, what else is he going to get,free? I could tell that e kid waiter was trying not to crack up, it's not like he would run to the kitchen,get a soup ladle and spoon it out of the nearest toilet while in my mind I answered "sir you see Jack and Jill work here and we've sent them up the hill to fetch a pail of water, would pail water do? Then I zoned back in to a boring menu and even more boring meal, nibbled, payed and left. On my way home I stopped at the corner drugstore to check out the new Ann Colter adams apple concealer,not that I need any but rather it gave me an excuse to visit my favorate schnauzer. Not a real schnauzer,you understand this is like one of those images that somehow appears in your burned English muffin of a religious icon. I just dearly hope that this doesn't mean that the Virgin Mary was a real dog! As I started on my way down the road to my home I really got into the Christmas spirit thing, I wondered if the Ravenel's, a local political(R) family have snow, or if it would "blow" away, you know like Mr. Ravenel's election, one month long to sec. of treasurer for S.C. for possession and distribution of cocaine. Can anyone say family values. Ho,HO, HO. Anyway,signing off now,under the rightsell, Happy Holidays!