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February 09, 2018

Mr. Perfecto Meets His Valentine's Match In Miss Perfectia


Since this is virtual, I’m unreal and if I was I would be less perfect. Alright now, with that established. Let me introduce myself.

Occupation: Stock Broker ( an absolute jerk who sleeps in his 3 piece suit) I like to bargain and broker deals, so I cannot provide you what you want until you do the same for me. After all, in our modern times relationships are not about finding a spouse who is honorable, loyal and respected in society. No, it is about viewing scores of profiles and photos and choosing someone like you would a car or a pair of shoes. They must have the right length, color, mileage and all your friends must be able to say WOW! I like the fact you can even choose between a multitude of headlight sizes. And you thought I was still talking about car headlights?

What I am seeking:

I see that you desire your perfect virtual guy to be at least 6'2. Well, your in luck….If I raise my hands over my head I would at least be that tall and if facing you and I extend my middle finger, as a perfect virtual gal like you deserves then, that will actually make me 6'3. But, since I must be tall and as we know height is something you cannot control(except in a virtual and unreal world) I must in return, require you to ALWAYS sport an hourglass shaped figure even into your nineties. You must must never let me see or know that your have ever used the bathroom in your life. You must never over cook any meal even by .01.00 of a second. You also mentioned you wanted me to have the same hairline I had in junior high school. I’m covered there as well. PUN INTENDED. Your perfect man is such the comic. (side note) You can never know what I’m doing to manage this issue (hint virtual herbs and exotic pheasant foreskins found online) Since that is your second non-negotiable, mine to you is you must be able to give birth to the eight children I want exactly to the date two years each apart……all on Christmas Day at exactly 12:00 p.m. Finally, you must always watch every sporting event with me and never get sick. Because, as a guy that is my job. So that I can complain and cry like a baby then. Also, if you get one wrinkle on your face or anywhere else….everything previously stated and desired on your part is then negotiable.

New Message Sent: 2/9/2018 unread/delete

“Hello, it’s unreal that I found you in this virtual world. I could never imagine (but can since you are probably imaginary) that I could find someone so perfect. I specified the exact weight in milligrams, height in millimeters, eye color in exact classified spectrum and BAM YOU APPEARED! Since you like to talk online….instead of in person, I would like to take you on our first date to virtually anywhere in the world you’d like to go. If we hit it off…..I have an idea. You can sit on your computer and I on mine and a pastor can on his…..all of our wedding guest can log onto theirs and we can Skype the entire ceremony….vows and all. Sound insanely creepy? No, of course not! Remember, after all we met this way. That is just the way the world works now. Imagine the money your dad would save. We can then use "Google Earth” and travel to a simulated honeymoon spot of your choice. But I am getting way ahead of myself. Of course the sex is all online and virtual as well. Thank goodness for the Japanese.

Yours Sincerely,


New Message 2/10/2018 unread/delete


After eliminating 50 men a day I am so glad I finally found a guy who is not shorter than 6'3: millimeters and has never lost a single hair on his head in his life (except for a haircut). Who has never guessed the stock market wrong or has never lost .01 on a deal, has never incorrectly completed a math problem, is within my age range by 1 second (guys five hours older than me stay away) and who has stated he would never be sexually attracted to any woman except me until we both die (at the exact same time as your profile promised). But, one question I do have? If things go right and I know they will…..after all we met online, and we have an intimate moment….are we using a computer or phone for that as well? Because in this insane world of virtual computerized romance….I expect perfection and if we proceed in real life………..IT MAY NOT BE THAT WAY.

P.S. I’m excited about virtually and perfectly knowing and learning how perfect you are through this most PERFECT PROCESS.

(Cordially Your Valentine)

Your Perfect Mate- PERFECTIA